When teasing goes too far
QUESTION: Is it proper to tease people? Should you know their insecurities before you throw out a teasing remark? Sometimes when I throw out an affectionate tease, I feel like I have hurt my friend's feelings.
CALLIE'S ANSWER: Well, if you feel like you've hurt their feelings I wouldn't tease them anymore. I would wait till I knew the person better to know if your playful jabs aren't appropriate.
LILLIE-BETH'S ANSWER: Tread lightly here. Teasing can definitely hurt people's feelings. Before you make a joke at the expense of someone else, I would make sure you know the person well enough to know whether they'll genuinely laugh along or if they will take it to heart. There are groups where teasing is part of the dynamic, but that's generally among good friends. Also, to get on a soapbox here, I do not like mean teasing or any jokes that mask meanness.
If you don't know a person well and perhaps even if you do, always avoid joking with someone about things they cannot change about themselves.
HELEN'S ANSWER: If you tease someone, you need to know ahead of time whether they can take it. Sometimes, teasing comes across as a painful comment, and totally hurts the person you are trying to tease. You might try not to tease about subjects that could be deemed unacceptable such as a person's looks, religion or insecurities that only you know about as a friend.
GUEST'S ANSWER: Adrienne
Nobles: Vice President for Communications and Public Affairs at the University of Central Oklahoma: Among my family and friends, it's almost second nature to joke around and tease each other. That said, it's also important to be able to “read a room,” so to speak.
We all have our own sensitivities and insecurities, as well as our own threshold for how much we are bothered when a comment tweaks one of our personal pain points. If your friend seems bothered by your teasing, then back off of it.
Maybe have a conversation with your friend about it. Be careful not to put the responsibility back on them. Comments like “lighten up” or “I'm sorry if you were offended” can do more harm than good. You two may come to a greater understanding of each other where the occasional teasing remark is better received.
Since 2009 Callie, LillieBeth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth, 40-plus and Helen, 60-plus.