Couple struggles with communication issues
Dear Abby: I love my wife very much, but we are, unfortunately, having a communication/interpretation issue. She is inquisitive and asks a lot of questions. I become defensive when I’m questioned. Sometimes I feel it shows a lack of confidence or trust in me. My wife says I am being too sensitive.
There are times when I infer a negative tone where there is none, and others when I believe my perception is spot-on. Sometimes, I suspect she’s unwilling to accept any answer that does not match her own thinking. She comes from a family where correcting each other, even over the smallest thing, is common. She’s an educator, so in some ways, it’s part of her job.
My wife seems unable to use alternative phrasing that is less likely to trigger a defensive response. When we have conflict over this, it seems I am always the one who has to give ground. When I try to explain my feelings, it only makes things worse. When I choose to be more assertive, it results in more escalation. I am blessed with a spouse who is independent, strong-minded and outspoken. How can I develop a thicker skin so I won’t feel like I am secondguessed at every turn? When should I speak up?
– Misunderstood in Texas
Dear Misunderstood: NOW would be a good time to speak up. When you do, tell your wife – the educator – that you feel second-guessed at every turn, and it’s time to enlist the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist so you two can improve your communication skills. If she’s willing, it could be helpful for your marriage. If she isn’t, then go without her to help you figure out whether you really are “too sensitive.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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