Ugly encounter drives away new neighbors
QUESTION: I’m appalled, shocked and shaking at our first encounter with one of our neighbors. We moved a few months ago into our dream home, which we built.
My husband, my children, my brother-in-law and his children and I were taking a walk while the kids biked to our house. Lots of cars were on the street, so we told the kids to go through our neighbors’ driveway to avoid the traffic — all the children were ages 6 and under. A man (owner of the home) came out and immediately started cussing and threatening our kids and us. We replied gently to apologize and to suggest he chill out, noting there were kids around. Then his wife came out with a newborn in her arms and a 2-year-old in tow. I thought she was about to tell her husband to chill, but she didn’t. She started cussing us out, too, and telling us she was going to call the police. They then watched as we walked into our driveway (three houses away) and went back inside. I am beyond shocked and utterly appalled by the way they handled the situation, but now I’m so scared for our kids and the MANY others (including their own) on our street.
Were we in the wrong? What happened to being kind to your neighbor? Do I try to go back to mend the relationship?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Never should anyone speak this way in front of kids. No excuses. I hope they figure out how uncalled for the incident was. Avoid people like this at all costs though. They sound nuts.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: That’s a terrible first-time encounter with a neighbor, and I’m sorry people who are capable of such an angry outburst are living down the street. I’m also sorry your children had to witness that.
Who knows what trauma or circumstances in their lives led to that kind of reaction in front of a group of kids on their driveway? Maybe they were afraid and acted out. We don’t know, but instead of trying to understand it, I think right now I would avoid them and their driveway the best you can.
Do what you can to make the rest of the neighborhood a great one. Model kind behavior for your children, and teach them that while we can’t control difficult people, we can control how we respond to them. In this case, I don’t think I would reach out, but if they reached out to you with an apology, I would listen. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to be on guard a little, but you don’t have to engage with them. Just enjoy your other neighbors and your dream home, and don’t give them much thought.
Sadly, to protect yourself, you might make note of what happened and the date and file it away in case it comes up again.
HELEN’S ANSWER: It is amazing that they continued their rant with so many of you all around to listen. I guess
they don’t want anyone on their property. Yes, I would not walk that way again. And it does not seem like you should be trying to mend the relationship at this time. Just give them a wave when you see them.
At some time, they might realize that what they did was hurtful and seemed to display strange and angry behavior and they could be sorry for that. If they apologize, forgive them if you can. It is hard to not be kind to neighbors, particularly when most of us grew up with the “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” mantra.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Devonne Carter, licensed clinical social worker: We can only control ourselves. We cannot control anyone else. I would encourage anyone who is in any type of conflict to always treat someone else the way you would like to be treated.
We never know what is going on in other people’s lives and why someone might react in an unkind or hurtful way. Take the most painful thing that has ever happened to you in your life, and then try to use that pain and put yourself in your neighbor’s shoes. We don’t know if they had just experienced a tragedy of some sort and you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and they exploded onto you.
I can tell, you do not want to be like your neighbors in the way they treat others, so you can TEACH them how to act. It isn’t your job to change them, it is your job to act right no matter what. Even if you never speak to these neighbors directly again, you being a good neighbor in your community will impact their lives positively.
Be kind. Be compassionate. Be forgiving. We know one thing — your neighbors have been treated the way they treated you. Now, you can treat them or others they way you want to be treated. They might not have ever been treated in a kind way. Good luck with this, but what a great opportunity to teach your children. They are going to encounter people like this in their lives again. Best wishes in treating others the way you want to be treated!