Here’s what you need to know about napkins

QUESTION: Is there such a thing as “napkin etiquette?” I never know what to do with my napkin or when to put it in my lap, or what to do with it when I am through eating. I know it is supposed to keep food from getting all over me, but are there are other uses for it? When I put out napkins at my table, should they be paper ones or cloth napkins? Where can I get some pretty napkins?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: When you sit down to the table, place your napkin in your lap. There are lots of places you can get napkins, expensive or otherwise. Paper is less formal and cloth is more formal.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: First, you get to decide the napkins you use at your own table. If you love cloth napkins, go for it. If you’d rather use paper, that’s OK, too. There are some beautiful paper ones available now and they can go with any theme. In either case, you usually just fold them over once and put them on the plate’s left side (your view while facing the plate) under the fork. The knife and spoon go on the other side, with the spoon on the outside and the knife’s curve of the blade facing the plate. Cloth napkins add a nice formality or weight to a fun affair. To find paper napkins, look in local gift stores, home goods stores or in that section your favorite larger store, but local gift stores often have the nicest choices.

Second, when you sit down at the table, put the napkin on your lap. When you are finished and ready to get up, put it loosely and compactly on the side of the plate.

HELEN’S ANSWER: Your napkin is placed in your lap until after the meal is over. You can always use it to wipe your mouth, particularly before drinking, so you won’t get food on the glass. Usually the table host signifies the beginning of the meal by putting the napkin on his/her lap. You can then do the same. When you are at a luncheon or dinner, when you sit down is a good time to get your napkin in place. When you leave the table after your meal, place the napkin loosely on the table. There are some lovely cloth napkins available now in stores and online. Some of them don’t require ironing. There are also beautiful paper napkins. Just make sure they are large enough to cover your lap.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Elizabeth Prosser, community volunteer: I’m a cloth napkin freak, using one at all my meals — and since I’m single, mostly eaten alone. They’re so easy to wash, and, if you pull them out of the dryer quickly, just a few swipes and they’re ready for the next time. My favorite ones for entertaining are a soft white pique with a lace edge, 20 inches square. For every day, I’m lucky to have a variety of patterned ones that don’t show spots.

So, for the rest of the world: There are many lovely paper napkins and for most casual events and drinks, paper is more than acceptable. For some meals, like barbecue, they’re required in triplicate. What you use when you’re at home and alone is your own business, but with company, try to find some nicer, softer ones. It really does take your meal up a notch. The Art Museum store, for example, has many choices.

Now, the napkin rules: there are many. Most seem to be common sense, but here goes my understanding of them.

• Napkin placement: When you are seated, place it on your lap except if you have a table host or hostess and have to wait for them to put their napkins on their laps. An exception is at a buffet, when you wait until you have your food.

• In your collar?: Regarding putting the napkin in your collar: NEVER, says Ms. Manners. It seems to me I’d make an exception in certain informal cases, such as if you’re wearing a new white linen shirt AND if you’re eating lobster or crab claws or a very messy pasta; if they don’t give you a bib, and IF you don’t mind the Don Corleone look, do it — but never at a private home or formal affair. Someone may still frown.

• Napkin size: There’s also a rule for the sizes of napkins: big formal ones, only open half-way, for the casual ones open fully.

• When you're done: At the end of the meal, fold a cloth napkin casually and place beside your dinner plate — or if after dessert or coffee and no dishes remain, in the place once occupied by the plate. It’s not to be wadded up or left on the chair or in a plate with remnants of your meal.

• Pause in the meal: What if you have to leave the table for a moment? Leave it on your chair, messy side up.

But really, find some wash-n-dry cloth ones and enjoy the beauty they’ll add to your meals. I wish I could suggest where to find them; mine are all almost 30 years old, remnants of my time as a restaurateur in Connecticut and still pretty. There, in closing, is another advantage of cloth: they last.

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.