Calm Waters works to help children deal with ‘anticipatory grief ’
“There are days when burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage.”
These words were penned by theologian and philosopher Saint Augustine of Hippo and are never truer than when someone you love is dying. It feels like a part of you is dying, too. We call that anticipatory grief.
How do you make sense of it for yourself ? What will life be like without them? What will happen to you in the future? How do you talk to the children about what is happening? There is help at Calm Waters.
Calm Waters was established 30 years ago to offer support groups for children ages 4 to 18 and their adult family members following the death of a loved one. Two years later, they added support groups for dealing with the grief and loss that follows divorce. Now, they offer groups for adults and children living with anticipatory loss.
When we started Calm Waters in 1992, Dr. Wanda Draper, then professor of childhood development at the OU College of Medicine, worked with our volunteers.
One of her sessions was about very young children and how to talk to them about death. Children under 6 or 7 do not always perceive death as permanent. Avoid stories like “he will go to sleep” or “she will fly off into the sky,” they leave the child with the idea the person will return.
She advocated being frank and honest.
“Your Grandfather is dying. That means he will not be living with us anymore. He will stop breathing. His heart will stop working. He will not eat or play with us anymore because he will be dead.”
If you have children ages 4-18 who have a family member or close friend who is dying, check out Calm Waters. There is no cost to participate. You do not have to go through this time alone. The groups will not only help you, they also will teach you how to help your children.
Charlotte Lankard is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Contact her at clankard@cox.net.