Experts weigh in on parents having tantrums over children in public
QUESTION: Is it ok reprimand your child in public? I saw a parent having a fit about a child’s behavior at a local restaurant and I didn’t know whether to politely step in or just ignore the whole spectacle.
CALLIE’S ANSWER: There are various ways you can talk to you kid when they’re having a hard time. Not sure I like the word “reprimand” as most parents need to remind themselves how old their child really is. Now, I have stepped in when a parent is yelling at their child and their child looks completely distraught. I’ve also had friends who have stepped in when they’ve seen a parent get physical. That being said, people are weird. Be careful.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: This is a loaded question that will bring about as many varied answers as there are parents themselves. First, obvious physical abuse of a child in public or private is not acceptable and if you witness this, you will have to step in and get help removing a child from a dangerous situation, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.
In lesser matters, parents have to teach children how to behave in public and figure out ways to handle a child who isn’t behaving, and the only way to do that often is by going out in public. It doesn’t always go smoothly, and sometimes the child’s misbehavior outlasts a parent’s ability to be patient, so you probably witnessed that frustration. You don’t provide details about what you witnessed, so it’s hard to say whether to step in or not, but you can start by asking if they need help.
Whatever you do, offer grace and a smile to both the parents and the child going through whatever it was that unleashed a fit from either side in this standoff. The effort of teaching children to behave in public or private is relentless and will generally consume every ounce of mental energy for a parent during critical younger years as they worry about how best to do that, how to function in public with young children and enjoy outings, how not to disturb others around them, how to help their children dealing with whatever is going on to trigger a fit, etc. It is difficult to balance whether it is more important in a moment to ignore or correct bad behavior right then, and to do so without letting children run wild.
It also is frustrating for others when parents make no attempts to remove a child from a situation where their behavior is disruptive or when they contribute to the behavior — that happened to me over the summer during a music concert when some parents tried to keep a child entertained by egging them on with loud jokes and laughing. I empathized with them and didn’t mind the noise from the little ones at all, but I got frustrated when the parents were just as loud in trying to keep antsy children entertained as the musicians tried to play.
Parenting is wonderful and stressful, and sometimes our patience wears out. Each situation is different and must be read differently. When children are young and have no way of regulating emotions during, say, a tantrum, parents know their child, how often it happens, what works and what doesn’t and how to teach them to act in public. One time I put my youngest son acting up at a restaurant in time out in a chair in the restaurant away from the table. I was by myself with my three young children so to remove him from the situation, he had to sit quietly elsewhere while we kept eating. I had my eye on him the whole time, so he was safe. He didn’t get his way by forcing us to leave, and it calmed his tantrum. I felt like it was a miracle in a stressful moment after I made a splitsecond decision; it was the best I could do in a moment. A stranger stepping in wouldn’t have made the situation better. Smiles and empathy go further than a lecture.
HELEN’S ANSWER: Having been in a couple of restaurants lately where small children were screaming and parents were not responding, I would only say that maybe the parents should remove the offender from the table. Taking the child outside might help defuse the situation and give the diners a break from the noise.
Telling another person how they should discipline their child is tricky. You really don’t know the circumstances and trying to help could make the situation worse. You might complain to management and ask them to try to tone down the noise from the child and the parent.
If you decide to try to help, just ask politely if the adult wants you to intervene. If the answer
is no, maybe you can relocate your table to a less noisy spot.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Christina Nihira, community volunteer: The parent-child dynamic is tricky. Before I had kids of my own, if I noticed this type of situation, I naively thought I would not react with anger or frustration. However, three kids later, I learned that children can exasperate even the most patient mother and father.
In the situation that you describe, remember you are an “outsider” and don’t know what has transpired before the conflict. Before lending a hand, observe the scene. Focus on the parent’s body language and catch their eye. It could provide clues about how stressed the family is and what’s really going on.
More than likely, any frenzied parent will welcome an “intervention” of sorts. Politely ask if they need any help. Communicate your intent to assist in a positive and constructive way. Reassure the adult that their circumstances are not unique and even the best parents face challenges.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; LillieBeth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.