Husband’s infidelity may prove too much for wife

DEARANNIE>> I read you on Facebook and hope you can help. My husband and I have been married for two years, after living together for five. We have four beautiful children. Things were going well until we moved into our new home. It’s as if we suddenly became strangers. We barely spoke to each other. He kept a lot of secrets and lied about everything.

I started snooping around and found out he was having two online affairs. I confronted him, and he became angry, as if it were my fault. He made me feel terrible, so I let him walk all over me and was miserable. He claims these “affairs” were the same as looking at pornography, but he’s wrong. I know one of these women, and they were both sending him text messages and racy photos. Last month, he cleared out half of our bank account and won’t tell me where the money went.

After that, I told him he had to stop or the marriage was over, so he trashed his phone and now he rarely gets online. But I can’t help thinking, given the chance, he would do it all again. I love him and our family and believe in keeping our marriage intact, but I just don’t trust him anymore. Should I leave him or give him another chance? — Confused and

Worried Wife

DEARCONFUSED>> When trust disappears in a marriage, it takes a great deal of effort — from both parties — to regain a foothold. You have four children together. Your husband has apparently trashed his phone and rarely gets online, and, as far as you know, he is no longer carrying on with other women. These things would justify giving him another chance.

But he still hasn’t explained or replaced the missing money (this is a huge red flag) and, obviously, you don’t fully believe that he will remain faithful down the road. This is why counseling is so important. Please ask your husband to go with you to see a professional who can help him understand why his behavior is so damaging, and work on ways for you to trust him again. As always, if he refuses to go with you, go alone.

DEARANNIE>> I read the letter from “Know the Difference Between You’re and Your,” who worked part-time as a proofreader and media relations contact for a good friend who didn’t like to have her grammar or spelling corrected. I agree with your suggestion of tact, instead of the writer’s apparent “I’m right, you’re wrong,” approach. A spirit of camaraderie and mutual support is always helpful.

I’d also like to recommend that “Know the Difference” buy a copy of “The Chicago Manual of Style” and try to get her boss to agree that the experts will settle all bets.

— Marty in SoCal

DEAR MARTY>> This is an excellent suggestion. The CMOS is one of the most widely used guides for American English. It was first published in 1906 and the latest edition can be found in hardcover or online. Using such a guide would defer gram- mar and spelling questions to a respected authority and remove some of the rancor between friends.

DEARANNIE>> I am responding to “Gary” about appropriate dress for a funeral.

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law died unexpectedly. She was an incredible person. She came from an Irish family, and there was a huge wake to celebrate her life. There was lots of food and an Irish band and a bagpiper. There was storytelling about the wonderful times we each spent with her. The celebration went on for hours. Her family discouraged wearing somber clothing.

The next day, there was a memorial service that was more traditional. I can honestly say that I do not remember what anyone wore to either.

— Carol

DEAR CAROL>> Thank you for reinforcing the idea that attending the service is more important than what you wear. The clothing one remembers tends to be outrageously inappropriate and calls attention to the wearer. Such outfits should be avoided, because they distract mourners and can cause distress to the family. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@creators. com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, Calif. 90254. You can also find Annie on Facebook at Facebook.com/AskAnnies.