Son abandons father’s last name

DEARANNIE >> A few years back, my stepson, “Jaime,” at age 23, announced to his dad (my husband) that he would be changing his middle name and last name, which are my husband’s first name and last name, and using his mother’s maiden name. He said he needed “space” from his dad and asked him to cease contact “until further notice.”

We racked our brains but could think of nothing that warranted this — no specific negative incident — and he refused to explain why but was clearly emotional and upset.

Nonetheless, we have respected his wishes. After a year, my husband checked in with him to see whether he was ready to reconnect and got his head bitten off. Now nearly four years has passed with no word from him. We send birthday and Christmas gifts, and recently, when we were going to be visiting the area where he is attending school, we asked whether he would like to get together for dinner. Silence has always ensued.

We are heartbroken, especially my sweet and loving husband, who has been so devoted to Jaime and would do anything to heal whatever rift he has caused. We don’t know from one day to the next whether he is alive or dead, whether he is happy or suffering. Plus, we just miss our boy.

What can we do? We have given up hope that, as everyone tells us, “he’ll eventually come around.” — Hand-wringing Gets Me

Nowhere

DEARHAND-WRINGING

Living with a Jaime-shaped hole in your heart can’t be easy, and I’m sorry you and your husband are going through that. Of course you’re replaying events in your head, looking for anything that might explain the sudden cold front that

swept over him, but it’s possible that you’ll never find an answer, and you must find a way to come to terms with that. If it helps, you and your husband could send Jaime a letter stating that if he’s ever willing to open up about what happened, you would love to know so that you can make it right by him.

Then turn your focus to what you can control. The U.K.-based group Stand Alone offers resources for parents dealing with estrangement. Visit standalone. org.uk for more information.

DEARANNIE >> I would like to pen a reply to “Neil,” who is grieving the loss of his wife. As cliched as it sounds, time really does help one to heal from the loss of someone.

Fourteen years ago, my mother lost her battle to breast cancer. For the longest time, I didn’t want to deal with anything — cooking, cleaning, etc. I did what needed to be done, but I didn’t want to do anything with her clothes or go through the paperwork that she left behind. Four years ago, my boyfriend moved in with my father and me, and this gave me the courage I needed to move on and start to change. Two years ago, I started going through everything. I donated most of her clothes. I shredded paperwork that she’d been hoarding in the attic for 30-plus years. I started changing things up around the house.

There are still days when I miss her and feel sad, but those days are getting fewer and further between.

— Will in Newport

DEAR WILL >> I’ve passed your letter along to Neil directly. I was touched by how many people wrote in to express their empathy for him. Thank you all for reaching out.

DEAR TEAPARTY >> Not only is it perfectly fine manners to let them know the cost in advance but it would be perfectly bad manners not to. Have a lovely teatime.

DEARANNIE >> This is in response to the letter from “In a Quandary in PA.” She was ready to put her house up for sale and debating whether to try moving in with her boyfriend or to move closer to her daughter (who is an hour away). Her gentleman friend said he’s content with his beer, pack of smokes and alone time. You advised her to give him an ultimatum about moving in together and to move closer to her daughter if she doesn’t get the answer she’s looking for.

If I were her, I would definitely skip the ultimatum and just move forward with putting the house up for sale. If she gave the ultimatum and he “caved,” she could move in with him, but she would always have a nagging feeling that he only did it out of pressure and not because he really loved her and wanted to spend time with her. Plus, men respond poorly to ultimatums, and she could save herself the heartache of rejection by not trying that.

Once she puts her house up for sale, he may beg her not to leave and say he wants to live with her. In that case, she would know he’s a keeper, and they could figure out their living arrangements. If he doesn’t resist the move and instead just wishes her well, she’ll know she made the right choice not to stick around for his sake. Please, no ultimatums!

— Knows Better