I’ll have my robo call your robo

This is the IRS calling. If you don’t pay us $300 by the end of the day, we’ll come over there and kick you out of your house and send you to jail. So, what credit card do you want to use to pay this?

I’m sorry, what’s that? What do you mean, you’re “not falling for this”? This is the IRS. We can have you killed. Oh, your neighbor explained to you that this is a scam phone call, and that the IRS doesn’t call people, and they certainly don’t ask for personal information? And you believe that? You do? Well, good for you. That was just a test. We call old people all the time just to make sure they know about the latest phone scams.

Did I say I was from the IRS? I was just kidding. I’m really here to say you’ve won an all-expenses-paid trip to beautiful Orlando, Florida, home of some of the finest timeshare condos ever built! Why not live in luxury for only a few dollars a -- what’s that? Your neighbor told you about this one, too? So you already knew that part of the “prize” was that you’d have to go visit the timeshare and listen to a high-pressure salesman for a few hours, who would twist your arm until you signed an agreement? Good for you. You sure are well-informed for an old person.

What I’m really calling about is the Police Retirement Fund. What kind of deadbeat, lowlife, unpatriotic person wouldn’t want to contribute to the Police Retirement Fund? Oh -your husband was a police officer and you know that the taxpayers already pay for his retirement? And that people only contribute to this because they think it really goes to the police? You really are on top of things.

Did I say I was calling from the Police Retirement Fund? I meant to say I’m calling to fix your computer. Does it seem slow and cranky? It’s been infected by a virus and if you’ll just give me your Social Security number and a credit card number, I can fix that over the phone for a few hundred dol- lars. First, stand on one leg and turn around backwards -- wait, you’ve heard that one, too? You must get a lot of phone calls.

I’m basically calling you because you’re old and according to my boss, old people will fall for anything. By the way, this is your bank calling, and there’s been a problem with your online account. Can you please give me your login name and password to get things started? No dice, huh?

Whoops, did I say I was calling from your bank? I meant to say I’m your grandson Billy. And I’m in, ah, Greece. Yeah, that’s right, Greece, and I’ve lost my passport and my wallet. I can’t get a hold of my parents. Can you please wire me a few thousand dollars? They’ll pay you back as soon as I get home. What’s that? They live next door and their lights are on? No, don’t bother to go over there, I must have dialed the wrong number. I’ll call them again.

Did I say I was your grandson? I meant to say we’re conducting a survey. First question: If a stranger were to call you up just as you were sitting down to eat dinner with your family, what number would you be, on a scale of 1 to 10? Number 1 is “very happy” and 10 is “ecstatic.”

No, there is no “minus 300.” But what if that stranger were to tell you that you’d won the lottery? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Wait, don’t hang up! You’ve won a set of free knives! Did I say knives? I meant I’m a debt collector, and you owe us $3,648.15 and if we don’t get it today -- was that a click? Rats. Dial the next one, robot. Contact Jim Mullen at mullen.jim@gmail.com.