Woman unsure on how to handle relationship with cheating husband

DEARANNIE » I have been married for seven years. My husband has had not one but several affairs. And he didn’t just have affairs; he had two kids born six weeks apart from two different women. I love my husband and am helping him raise these children, who are now 2 years old. I keep telling myself the kids are innocent and it’s not their fault they’re the products of affairs, and I want to help them. I still feel he’s messing around. Even if he’s not, the fear will always be in my mind. I don’t know whether it’s just my not wanting to be alone or I do actually love him this much. I am really confused and can’t help but wonder whether this man loves me as I love him. Is he using me because I’m older and settled?

— Lost and Confused

DEAR LOSTAND CONFUSED » There’s so much to unpack from your letter, and there’s hardly space here to begin. I don’t know whether your husband is using you or whether he’ll cheat again. But I know you’re unhappy in this relationship, and something needs to change. That might mean leaving him and building a healthy sense of independence; it might mean staying together and learning to put the infidelity behind you. Either way, you will find the necessary tools in therapy.

DEARANNIE » You recently published a letter from “Tortured in New York,” a woman who is “uncomfortable” with oppositesex nurses. You supported her desire to have only female nurses and said the hospital should have honored her request immediately when she protested a male nurse’s caring for her.

What would you say, then, if a man requested that only male nurses examine him and help him in a clinical setting? Would you agree with him that his request should be honored immediately?

Honestly, I am a man who would always prefer that only male medical professionals see me naked, but I don’t expect that because it would be sexist for me to demand such. But when I have a colonoscopy every five years, for example, I’d prefer a male nurse dress me afterward. So far, it’s always been a female nurse. I’m embarrassed when I come completely conscious and see her.

— A Shy Man in Texas

DEARSHYMAN » To clarify, I did not tell “Tortured in New York” that she had a right to a female nurse or that the hospital should have honored her request immediately. I only told her she could make such a request and the staff members would most likely do what they could to accommodate her. Since the letter ran, I’ve received feedback from medical professionals affirming that position. Though there’s no guarantee you’ll get a male nurse if you request one, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Just be sure to do so well in advance, preferably when making your appointment.

DEARANNIE » How do you determine whether an associate is experiencing some memory loss, dementia or cognitive decline? With a close longtime friend, you can usually note a change from the person’s normal functioning. But if you became friends with someone during the retirement years, you often don’t know what some- one’s level of functioning or personality was like in earlier years. In an organization, church or club, an older adult may have committed to doing a job, become unable to do what’s required yet want to keep his or her hat in the ring and save face. We wonder how to approach this with kindness and practicality.

It is a wonderful idea to focus on issues facing older adults. There are so many of them, and the numbers are growing rapidly. Thank you for your interest.

— Jane M.

DEARJANE » Judging by your letter, you’re naturally thoughtful. Let that innate sense of empathy steer you and you won’t go far astray. If a friend of yours shows signs of memory loss, talk to the friend one-on-one, and use gentle, non-accusatory language. Stick to phrases such as “I noticed you seem to be having difficulty with scheduling lately” rather than “You keep forgetting our plans.” Similarly, if someone in a club to which you belong repeatedly fails to fulfill duties he or she signed up for, talk to that person privately and offer to help out. The more gingerly you handle the subject the less likely the person is to become defensive — but there’s still no guarantee on that. Call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900 for more information on navigating this difficult issue.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators. com.