The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)

Heart left on the East Coast

-

DEARANNIE » I am from Northern California. I went to college back east and worked in New York for three years after school. My wife and I met in Manhattan.

About four months after we started dating, I got into a prestigiou­s law school in Northern California, which made the future of the relationsh­ip come to the forefront: Fish or cut bait?

We stayed together. She moved out to this coast and got a master’s degree, and we slowly built lives together in California. That was eight years ago.

Our lives are good. We own a nice home. We have a dog and a kid on the way. However, my wife is not happy.

Every few weeks, she gets homesick. Not like slightly melancholy, more like in bed, crying, depressed homesick. She says that she misses her family but also the changing seasons of the East Coast. The monotonous climate that we live in makes her sad.

I am a problem-solver. I’ve tried to fix the problem (e.g., nice house, trips to the East Coast, flying out family), but I am at the end of my rope. I am open to moving back, but my career is kind of taking off. Both of our careers are, actually. It would be very difficult to press the reset button. I can’t keep dealing with her and her emotions. I don’t know what else to do. — Geographic­ally

Challenged

DEAR GEOGRAPHIC ALLY

CHALLENGED » Though it might seem that your wife gets depressed because she’s homesick, it’s equally possible that she’s homesick because she’s depressed. The debilitati­ng nature of her sadness seems to indicate the latter. I’d encourage her to seek the guidance of a profession­al therapist to de- velop habits for a healthy emotional state regardless of her geographic­al state. After all, wherever you go, there you are.

DEARANNIE »

Just the other day, my son, “Ben,” was talking to his stepdad, and he said some hurtful things about me — that I’m all about me, that it’s always my way or the highway. I took that very personally. It made me cry. I never expected my eldest son to say something or feel that way about me. I took it as him trying to hurt my feelings. He needs to understand that with the kids all out of the house now, I do often feel that it is all about me. The house is empty; my two elder kids don’t even call me to see whether I’m OK or sick, and I think that if I ever become sick, I will keep it to myself and not inform them. Am I wrong for that?

Now I don’t feel comfortabl­e even asking to see my grandchild­ren, because I fear it’s been embedded in their minds that Grandma is all about her and no one else.

I posted about this situation on Facebook to see how everyone would respond and what advice people might offer. A coworker came to me and comforted me about the situation. All I could do was cry. I never knew my kids felt that way about their mom. Please give me some advice.

— Devastated Mom

DEAR DEVASTATED MOM

» Slow down and take a deep breath. This is a whirlwind, but it seems that at the center of it all is your feeling of abandonmen­t. I reckon that’s caused you to lash out in ways you might not recognize as lashing out — with guilt trips, for instance. If you’ve been trying to get your kids to pay attention to you by mak- ing them feel bad, that has backfired. It’s time to stop catastroph­izing and start communicat­ing. Talk to your children. Tell them you didn’t realize how negatively they felt about your behavior. Ask what you could do to be a bigger part of their lives. And for everyone’s sake, please stop posting about it on Facebook.

DEARANNIE »

I know that some people complain about “older” trick-or-treaters in their neighborho­ods and that some people even refuse to hand out candy to kids who look older than 13.

In my view, it’s a fine line between child and teen, and it’s a difficult adjustment for most. Teens still love some kids activities, yet they want to appear grown-up. When we get older kids ringing our doorbell on Halloween, we always give them double the candy and tell them so. We also tell them that we’re proud of them for choosing to have fun. They are delighted with our response, and you can see the appreciati­on in their eyes.

Lighten up, people! They have the rest of their lives to be adults. Let them hang on to some parts of their childhood a bit longer. And let the parents do the parenting; it’s not our business. Our grown children let their own children know when it was time to quit trick-or-treating.

It also doesn’t matter how much, if any, care was put into a costume. It’s rare when they’re not in costume, though. Teens are quite creative and enjoy our noticing a costume. We love the night. It’s fun!

— Marie

DEAR MARIE »

I’m printing this just in time for Halloween. May we all embrace such a fun-loving spirit. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

 ?? Annie Lane ?? Dear Annie
Annie Lane Dear Annie

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States