The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)
Look Who Dropped In
DEAR ANNIE » I occasionally have lunch with a relative whose company I enjoy. We usually have a nice time, but lately she has been bringing a last-minute guest with her without telling me. Sometimes it is another relative, and sometimes it is a person I’ve never met. This has caused seating confusion and a less desirable room at places where we have reservations. Does this mean she doesn’t care for my company, or is it just a lack of manners? DEARMYSTIFIED » I can’t divine this woman’s reasons. Perhaps she’s trying to save time by consolidating her lunch dates (which, I agree, would be bad manners). But there’s no need to consult a crystal ball. The next time you’re making plans and wondering whether she’ll invite anyone else, just ask. DEAR ANNIE » My sons were the topic of a recent letter published in your column. It was from “Concerned Grandfather,” my dad. He told you he’s worried that my sons are overly affectionate with each other. (He admitted he had written the letter when I confronted him.)
I appreciate your thoughtful answer to my father’s letter. For the record, my sons know that their grandfather disapproves of their closeness. They think he is being silly. I explained to my elder son, “Steven,” that his grandfather grew up in a time when affection between brothers or a father and a son was frowned upon. His response was: “That’s messed up.”
My husband, their dad, was extremely af- fectionate to them, so I think that kind of openness and love is what they are used to. When their dad died, the boys were devastated. When the younger boy, “Frederick,” wanted to sleep with Steven because he was having nightmares, I let him. Steven would comfort him by holding him in his arms all night. Now, six years later, Frederick gets scared because I sometimes work a third shift. He says he feels safer with Steven by his side when I am gone overnight.
It is true; they hug a lot. And yes, they do exchange pecks on the cheek, but it is not constant as my father described.
My sons love each other. I certainly will not do anything or say anything to make them feel their behavior is dirty or inappropriate. How different would the world be if boys gave and received more affection?
My sons are well-adjusted. They play sports, get excellent grades and have friends other than each other. My father has often said they need to see a counselor to end their disgusting affection for each other. There is no way I would ever take them for counseling to break something that I think is beautiful and normal. My prayer and wish is they will always stay close and openly affectionate. DEAR LOVINGMOM » Thanks for sharing. I’d like to add that you shouldn’t automatically discount the notion of counseling for your sons — not because they are affectionate but because they lost their father at a young age. DEAR ANNIE » “Stressed Out in Middle America” wrote to you about her friend “Jenna,” a hoarder. You told “Stressed Out” to encourage Jenna to see a mental health specialist. Well, I know from experience that trying to tell a hoarder to see a counselor does no good. My son and his wife are hoarders. They refuse to even believe that anything is wrong with them. It is everyone else who has a problem, not them; they are just fine. They have not cleaned certain rooms in 20 years. They just keep piling up stuff and collecting more. We used to go clean the home every six months. However, we are elderly now and are unable to do it. It did no good anyway. As soon as we would clean, it would pile up in a week all over again. It is so very sad that their children have to live like that. I wish we could have gotten custody of our grandchildren when they were born, as their mother does not even care for them (she only cares about herself and her junk), but our son does care for them. The whole situation is very sad. DEAR HARD TOWATCH » Seeing as your son does care for the children, you could tell him that you think the situation is so serious that if he doesn’t seek counseling, you will have no choice but to call the authorities. The children could be in danger. Contact their local government to see what agencies, such as Child Protective Services or Adult Protective Services, could intervene.