Man Wants to Say the Right Things

DEAR ANNIE » Recent revelations regarding sexual harassment have prompted me to examine some of my own behavior and actions as they relate to women.

I have never raped or knowingly sexually harassed any woman. I have always held women in high regard and tried to treat them with respect and decency. However, I have said some things and acted in certain ways that may have been questionable, though they have been combined with both humor and sincerity. I would like you and your readers to comment on them.

I have, on many occasions, told women in my workplace that they look attractive, most often citing their outfit. On other occasions, I have done the same with women I don’t know. But I have always prefaced my remarks with a qualifying statement, such as “I hope you won’t be offended or take this the wrong way,” and then added, “But I would like to say how lovely you look.”

Also, on other occasions, when I have discerned that they are not offended, I have added in a very clearly humorous voice, “Are you married?” If the answer is “no,” I might say, “If you are not busy this weekend, then can we elope!”

If the answer is “yes,” I might smilingly and humorously ask, “Well, do you fool around?” Usually, it provokes a laugh and smile.

Now, with the emergence of “Me Too” and all of the awakening consciousness of women — which I wholeheartedly support — I am wondering whether my remarks have been inappropriate or may be interpreted as a form of unwanted sexual advance. I want to do the right thing. Comments from you and/or your readers would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

— A Woman Lover

DEARWOMAN

LOVER » Yes, these comments probably make the women you work with uncomfortable, and if they laugh, it’s probably because they’re not sure what else to do. Everyone wants to get along with her coworkers, after all; no one wants to be perceived as harsh or humorless. Try fostering camaraderie in the office without sexual innuendo. Ask about women’s families, pets, movie recommendations, upcoming vacations, holiday plans, etc. Though the rules are less strict outside the workplace, err on the side of caution, and don’t linger after paying a compliment as if you expect something in return.

One final word to the wise: In any context, if you preface a remark with “Don’t take this the wrong way,” it will most likely be taken the wrong way.

DEAR ANNIE » The letter from “Geographically Challenged” struck a chord with me. He mentions that he and his wife are expecting a baby. That may be the source of his wife’s problem. When I was pregnant, the first symptom was a panic attack. During the entire pregnancy, the main side effects were panic attacks and depression, though I was always physically healthy. I was even homesick at times and missed my parents — the only time in my life I was homesick. (I lived only 100 miles from them.) Pregnancy itself creates all kinds of hormonal changes. Perhaps her doctor can help her handle these episodes with the hope/expectation she will feel better once her baby is in her arms.

If this is the source of her condition, the best help her husband can give her is unconditional love, support and patience.

— Empathetic

DEAR EMPATHETIC » You make a great point. I’ve passed your letter along to “Geographically Challenged,” and I’d like to encourage any women, pregnant or not, who are experiencing severe changes in mood to talk to their doctors.

DEAR ANNIE » This is in response to “Fume-Free,” who is concerned about her mother-in-law’s smoking around her new baby. My granddaughter is 13 years old. Fourteen years ago, when she was conceived, my son and daughter-in-law told my husband in no uncertain terms that the baby would not be entering our house if he continued to smoke. I told my husband that if that were the case, I would have to be living elsewhere. When my daughter-in-law was about seven months pregnant, he smoked his last pack of cigarettes.

Recently, he had a nine-hour operation in which his lung collapsed. The doctor told him that if he had still been a smoker, he would not have made it. He said the next day that he guessed Kayla had saved his life. So, “Fume-Free,” be stern, and make it about not only the baby but also future health issues. — Been There and Done

That

DEAR BEEN THERE » I am so glad your husband is OK. It sounds as if Kayla was a blessing in more ways than one.