Tip Mortification

DEARANNIE » The other day, I was out for lunch with a woman I recently became friends with. At the end of the meal, we asked the server to split the check 5050. He brought us our receipts. I was waiting for my friend to finish using the pen, and I wasn’t trying to peek, but I noticed she’d left the tip line blank. She noticed my noticing and, only a little sheepishly, said, “I’m just not making that much money right now” — as if that were an acceptable reason to stiff our (very kind) server. I was mortified but said nothing, took the pen and began writing in an extra-big tip to try to make up for her. She saw what I was doing and told me I shouldn’t worry about it — that I was overreacting. I think she was being rude. What do you think?

— Tipped Off

DEAR TIPPED OFF » Anyone who can’t afford to leave a tip shouldn’t be eating out in the first place. The next time this friend wants to get together, suggest something free — though, if you’re the type of person who regards tipping as a sign of character (I do), you might not want to get together again at all. DEARANNIE » You’re going to get a lot of mail about the letter from “Alive and Well,” but I’d like to chime in. The 30-something daughter who admired a piece of furniture and asked for it in her parents’ will was perhaps just being direct, not rude. If they haven’t had any conversations about their end-of-life planning, she may just be doing the sensible thing by mentioning her desire while they are younger and still healthy.

My husband and I have handled the estates of our parents in recent years and can tell you that this is a multistage process that can quickly escalate if there isn’t a plan. After the legal details and during the grief process, the family will be left with “stuff.” Most of it has lit- tle value other than sentiment, but having in writing who gets what may keep the remaining family intact. Family heirlooms should be given to those who plan to keep, not sell, them. Additionally, as you approach retirement, it’s wise to stop collecting “stuff” and to start downsizing before you are forced into it. Surveys show that the younger generation values experiences over things, so ask your kids now, “What do you want?” I think this is exactly what the daughter was trying to say; she probably still sees her parents as very capable and meant to be practical, not predatory.

— Jacksonville Reader

DEAR JACKSONVILLE READER » Thanks for your letter. Indeed, I’ve heard from several others echoing the same sentiment. In hindsight, I was too quick to validate “Alive and Well’s” feelings of offense. I wish I’d advocated for end-of-life planning and talking to adult children about last wishes — perhaps an uncomfortable subject for some but an important one. DEARANNIE » I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and for all of those years, my inlaws have ruined my holiday season. From the very beginning, I’ve tried really hard to be gracious, kind and generous. These are all of the attributes that my mother (now deceased) always told me that family is about. I come from a big close-knit family. We all share and contribute not only to family events but also to help one another out in general. Not my inlaws. My husband and I have hosted or paid for every single meal we’ve had with them. In fact, they don’t call us unless they need something.

My husband has been very protective of my feelings. He is so disgusted by the way they treat all of us that he would like to just cut them off. I can’t do it. I keep hearing mymomtellingme that this is his family. I think he would regret it later, and I don’t want to be the cause.

Let me tell you what a holiday meal is like. I cook all of the food. They come without contributing anything and then take home all of the leftovers (which they actually fight over sometimes). They lie around and watch TV until it’s time to go home. They don’t talk to my kids or me. In fact, they couldn’t care less about anything that is happening with my family. Did I also mention that my brother-in-law and his wife guilt my husband into helping financially every month?

After 20 years of this, I can’t stand the sight of them. Knowing that I have to be cordial and expend all of my energy cooking for them spoils my whole holiday season. I just want to run away, but my kids love Christmas with the family. Help me. How do I cope? I want to have a nice Christmas, not one that is filled with anger and resentment. Is there a way to do that, or am I doomed to let them ruin my Christmas?

— Bah Humbug

DEAR BAHHUMBUG » I commend your mother for instilling in you the importance of grace, kindness and generosity. But it’s hard to feel gracious, kind or generous when you’re too busy feeling resentful. So you have two options. You can keep the celebration cozy, with just you, your husband and your children. There is nothing wrong with doing this, and I encourage you to give it a shot.

If you can’t bring yourself to change your plans, then change your attitude. Channel the Whoville spirit. Make your mind up to have a delightful time no matter how frightful your in-laws’ behavior. The main takeaway here is that whether or not your holiday is “doomed” is entirely up to you.