Wrestling With Coming Forward

DEARANNIE » I’ve been feeling very inspired lately. As a firm believer in gender equality, I am so happy to see how the #MeToomovement has given so many women the relief of telling their stories and getting a weight off their shoulders. However, this also has inspired a feeling of panic within me. I, too, ama victim; but my perpetrator was not a celebrity or a public figure, so I have nothing to gain by speaking out. However, I see the relief and empowerment some women are experiencing from coming forward, and I’m wondering whether I could feel the same. Though close friends know what happened to me, my family does not know, and neither doesmy boyfriend. I see the backlash that this wave of voices has caused, and it frightens me. My rapist was a friend whom my parents always liked, and my boyfriend knows him, too. I don’t want to ruin his life by telling people who would then hate himfor something that happened years ago. I also amworried that they wouldn’t believe me or would assume the reason for my speaking up is that I want attention. But I also now realize that this is a significant part of my history, and I don’t know what to do with it, Annie. Telling you has helped, though. What do you think I should do?

— Scared of Secrets

DEAR SCARED OF SECRETS

» I’m so sorry that someone you considered a friend hurt you in such a profound way. You should not bear the burden of keeping this secret out of concern for him. Protecting your own mental health is far more important than protecting the social standing of an abuser. Nomatter howmany years it’s been, nomatter how many friends you have in common, he committed sexual assault. Any fallout he faces now he brought on himself. Who knows? Perhaps he’ll emerge fromthis reckoning a better person. In any case, it’s not your problem. By all means, you should open up to your boyfriend and family, as it seems your heart is calling you to do so. If you need encouragement, support or just someone to talk to about your experience, you can always call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-4673).

DEARANNIE » I have been married to my husband for 11 years. He has three grown children, all gainfully employed, who live in distant cities. We live in the large house his children grew up in. Two of the children are married with young kids.

The problemis that at least twice a year, his kids decide to coordinate a visit home, all coming into town at the same time to stay in our house. While here, they expect us to care for their kids, all under age 7, while they sleep in in the mornings and stay out late at night. They are not good about keeping us informed of their plans, so I never know whether to prepare meals for five or 15, plus they don’t offer to do any of the cooking themselves. When we go out to dinner, they never offer to pay the check.

They expect us to pick themup and return them to the airport at all hours, and they also expect to borrow our cars when they need to go out.

While they’re here, the rooms the kids inhabit are totally wrecked, with clothing and toys strewn everywhere, but as long as they keep their doors closed, I turn a blind eye. Afterward, I amstunned to find empty toilet roll dispensers and toothpaste smeared on the sink and other things you would expect of lazy, slovenly teenagers, not grown adults with homes of their own. When they are packing for home, they do remove the bed and bathroom linens and leave them in a pile in each room, but that leaves mewith a mountain of laundry to do.

It has gotten to a point that I dread these visits. I have asked my husband to speak to his kids about being more responsible and considerate or to at least limit the duration of their visits, but he is afraid that if he did that, they would get offended and stop coming altogether. I have even threatened to leave town for my own vacation when they are coming, but I would hate to miss the grandkids and shudder to think what condition the house would be in uponmy return. We do love spending time with the grandkids (up to a point), but at our age — and as we are still working— we end up totally exhausted and frequently get sick right after they leave, probably from the stress and fatigue. What can I do?

— AtWits’ End

DEARATWITS’END » Walking on eggshells will get you nowhere. Tell your husband that this is a time to be kind and direct with your stepchildren. It is your house and your rules, and cleaning up after oneself is a perfectly reasonable expectation. You could have fun about it andmake an art canvas, perhaps with your grandchildren, listing the rules of your house.

As for borrowing the car, picking themup at the airport and treating themto dinner — well, if your husband likes to do that for his children, he sounds like a very kind man. I would try not to nitpick every little nice thing that you and your husband do for his children. Do your best to focus on the love of your grandkids and all of the joy and liveliness that having a full house brings. It’s only twice a year, and with your new direct message that they must clean up after themselves, I’m sure that the visits will bemore enjoyable. If they don’t follow your house rules, that’s another story. Keepme posted.