Best Friend at One Point

My father was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I told a close childhood friend. She responded, “I don’t know if I can deal with that.” Then she didn’t speak to me for six months. This was hurtful — as I had recently spent many weekends traveling (I live out of town) and hundreds of dollars as her maid of honor, supported her emotionally through the stress of wedding prep, and helped her move — but I didn’t have the emotional capacity at the time to try to rebuild the friendship.

Now that a year has passed, we have been occasionally spending time together again, though we avoid serious conversation. She introduces me as her “best friend.” Recently, I accidentally referred to someone else as my best friend, and she took offense. I don’t want to lose an old friendship, but I can’t imagine being more than casual friends. How can I tactfully tell her that she is far from my best friend and that I’m uncomfortable with her possessiveness? Or is it kinder to leave her to her own perception of our relationship? by waving. Most people seem to just expect it! I always thank with a wave and feel others should, too. What say you?

I think they should wave. But if they don’t, just pretend they did — give yourself a little wave of acknowledgment, if that helps — and then move on with your day.

This is in response to the letter from “News Junkie,” who found himself constantly watching or reading the news and was feeling exhausted. As a therapist, I wonder what’s driving this person to constantly know what’s happening on the political scene. One reason that people go overboard on the news is that they’re unconsciously hoping to decrease their anxiety by knowing more. However, paradoxically, this behavior usually backfires and increases anxiety. Another reason is that they feel pressure to be up-todate when there are discussions of politics, which happens more often than it used to. This group of people may be afraid of not appearing politically savvy or fear being left out of conversations.

I’m always grateful for a clinician’s take on a letter. You raise some great additional considerations. Perhaps “News Junkie” and others binging on news would benefit from looking inward to consider what’s driving their overconsumption.

It makes me so sad to watch my family grow old. My grandfather has been in denial about his aging process, and now it’s creeping up on him from behind. Growing up, I was always impressed by how youthful he was; well into his 70s, he was playing tennis every day, running, going on social outings and driving all over the place for various band rehearsals. He is now in his late 80s, and his body no longer lets him push the physical boundaries. However, that hasn’t stopped him from pushing other boundaries. He is still driving, and I think it’s dangerous.

Annie, he has been in several fender benders in the past few months, and though they were harmless enough to not deter him from continued outings, I feel that he has just been lucky. He often calls us lost, asking for directions from the road or not remembering where he’s going. Adults in the family have tried to gently tell him he should not drive, but he won’t hear it. It’s also difficult to have this conversation without threatening his masculinity or coming off as disrespectful. I’m scared for him and for others on the road. How do you tell your hero that he can no longer perform the simplest of tasks?

Your granddad sounds like an amazing man. It’s time for you to step in and be his hero. Speaking with him about driving could save his life or someone else’s. Now that you know you have to have the conversation, the question is how.

If you are having growing concerns about his driving, chances are he has them, as well, though he might be reluctant to admit it. The key is to avoid making him feel defensive. Plan to have a quiet, calm chat with him at a time when he’s not feeling stressed. As you approach the subject of driving, proceed slowly and gently. He will most likely voice his concerns about making appointments or outings. At that point in the conversation, you could offer to drive him to and from. And tell him he’d really be doing you a favor, because think of all the life lessons he could share in that valuable quality time.