The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)
Stink bugs and Trump go hand-in-hand
Unfortunately, unlike the seasonal life of the stinkbug, our constitution gives this Trumpcharacter a termof four years and, unbelievable as it may seem, we are just barely done with year one of the orangemonster’s first term.
The stink bug invasion is here. Stink bugs are very ugly creatures. The other night I was looking at my iPhone, the lights were out and the screen seemed quite bright. All of a sudden there was a whirring of wings and a big, fat stink bug landed on my cheek, perhaps attracted by the light of the phone. I did what any of you would have done — I smacked him with my right hand and probably broke his back.
Up to now I have been very careful to use a tissue, as instructed, to pick up the offender, place him in the toilet and flush. But, because of my sudden reaction I suffered the dreaded attack of the stink bug. Remember the nonLatin name of this creature is STINK bug. He lives up to his name. If you kill him with your hand, you will unleash the smell and that’s exactly what happened. All things considered, it really wasn’t that bad. I mean, I’ve been exposed to skunk smell. THAT smell will cause you to lose your cookies.
It appears, based on my scientific research which consisted of speaking with at least five homeowners, that this is the year of the stink bug. Frankly, I harbor the suspicion that it cannot just be coincidental that this awful and inexplicable invasion seems to be perfectly timed with the first year of the Trump administration, except that unlike the stink bug, this guy Trump really stinks.
So, what do we do about both problems? Unfortunately, unlike the seasonal life of the stink bug, our constitution gives this Trump charac- ter a term of four years and, unbelievable as it may seem, we are just barely done with year one of the orange monster’s first term. The stink bug has invaded our homes but according to the experts, he’ll hit the road as soon as the weather warms up. The bad news is that once outside, the bugs will attack our plants and gardens.
We consulted Larry, the Terminex Man who has done a good job for us. We told him about the stink bug problem and he offered to spray. We declined, based of the presence of our two young grandchildren and, of course, Murray the Westie, the world’s cutest and greatest dog. So now we have to develop our individual stink bug eradication techniques. Mine is to take a Kleenex and mercifully break the back of the bug. The Lovely Roselle uses the time honored technique of the fly swatter, followed by dispatching the carcass to the swirling clockwise toilet (this being the northern hemisphere).
This leads to the question of whether Trump can swim. I recognize that I said “Trump” and not “President Trump.” Sorry, I just can’t give him the appellation of “President.” After all, you know, there is as he says, “The Russian thing.” More and more it’s looking like he was elected with their help. If that’s true, he should not be called President.
As for the stink bugs, it’s the same old, same old. Fix your screens, make sure that there are aren’t any cracks in the doors and yada, yada, yada. Obviously, that isn’t going to work even if your house is air tight. And as for Trump, we knew what we had to do to put a stop to his election but we just didn’t do it. We had to get out and work and make sure that a large portion of the people who don’t vote got off their butts and got to the polls. If it is true that Trump can’t swim, we really can’t put him in the clockwise rotating toilet water.
I’ll take the stink bugs any time over Trump. After all, they’re just pests. They don’t sting and they just smell a little. With the other guy, it could be lights out.