Passionate Kiss With an Old Friend

DEAR ANNIE » My wife, “Andrea,” bumped into an old friend, “Gary,” at our tennis club’s New Year’s Eve party. They were friends in high school, but he moved out of the area for college and didn’t move back until recently. (His parents have both fallen ill, and he and his wife are taking care of them.) At the New Year’s Eve party, Gary and my wife exchanged a passionate kiss on the dance floor at midnight. Our other friends in attendance looked at me to see what my reaction would be, seeing as Andrea and I have been married for 20 years. Needless to say, I was shocked and embarrassed and could only look on in astonishment. The rest of the evening was ruined. On the way home, I asked Andrea what that kiss was all about. She told me that she and Gary were just good friends. I told her that regardless of whether they were old friends or not, that kind of behavior was very hurtful to me and very inappropriate. She insisted it was nothing, just a friendly kiss between old friends.

Gary will be hosting a party and invited my wife and some of their other old friends. For obvious reasons, I’m uncomfortable with her going.

Annie, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve always tried to make Andrea feel special. I’ve remembered every important holiday. We have a nice home and go on trips.

Anyway, I guess my immediate question is: Should I attend the party at Gary’s if asked? Should I insist that I attend? Should I talk over expected behavior? — Crisis in California DEAR CRISIS » I think you should go to Gary’s dinner party with your wife and talk over expected behavior beforehand, if she insists on going. But her past behavior is as hurtful as it is bewildering. It’s impossible to tell exactly what she’s thinking from your letter. She may be having a midlife crisis and trying to relive her high school days; she may be acting deliberately cruel; she may be telling the truth when she says the kiss meant nothing to her. But the point is it meant something to you, and that’s reason enough to take it seriously. What I can say for sure is that marriage counseling would help get to the root of these issues. Implore her to give it a try, and if she refuses, seek counseling on your own. DEAR ANNIE » I have a beautiful daughter in her mid-20s. She is attractive, bright, friendly and hardworking. She has so much going for her. She does have a peculiar bad habit: She picks her nose in public. It’s not just a quick pick when no one is looking. This is a thorough deep cleaning without a tissue.

I have tried to talk to her about this, but her response is: “People need to accept me for who I am. If they don’t like me because I pick my nose, I don’t need them as friends.” I can’t help but think that her behavior is more than just a bad habit. I think there is a deep-rooted problem that drives her to do this. I think she uses it as a test to see whether people accept her and, perhaps, to drive some people away.

I have discussed this with other members of our family and her friends. They all say about the same thing: “If she wants to pick her nose, let her pick her nose.” I love her and want to see her succeed in life. I think her habit is holding her back socially, and it may affect her in her future career. I can’t help but think that this a form of personal sabotage.

I don’t know how to continue bringing up the subject and find the right words to encourage her to take a good look at her habit and understand why she is doing this. I hope you have some ideas for me.

— Dad Who Cares DEAR DAD WHO CARES » Ick. On the one hand, the friends and family members are right. You can’t force someone to give up a bad habit, no matter how gross or self-destructive the habit might be. On the other hand, I can’t blame you for trying. If the social damage doesn’t deter her, fine, but she should consider the damage to her health. According to New York University otolaryngologist Erich Voigt, picking your nose introduces germs while also “causing little abrasions,” and the blood from the abrasions then provides food for the germs. That means your daughter’s nose could be home to dangerous bacteria. As I said earlier, ick. I hope she is moved to kick this nasty habit, pronto.