Problem Child

DEAR ANNIE » I’m at my wits’ end, and I really hope you can help. I love my children, and I love being a mother, but my youngest seems to want to make that as hard as possible for me. My son is a senior in high school, and I fear he is going down the wrong path. He has always struggled in school, but I’ve always gotten him tutors; he’s always gotten in more trouble than his sisters, but he always seems to know how to make it up to me. However, this all has gotten worse as he’s gotten older. He ditches class, and no matter how many times he has to go to detention as a result, he continues to do so. I have caught him with drugs and alcohol, but no matter how angry I get, he continues to use. He has gotten three different jobs in the past year (after I pushed him to do so, sick of giving him money), and he just stopped going in to work each time. I have to hide my purse because I’ve caught him snooping through my wallet.

He’s defiant, and it’s gotten to the point that when I ground him or tell him to go to school or tell him to clean up after himself, he just looks me in the eye and says no. I’ve tried yelling. I’ve tried tough love. And, Annie, now I am just exhausted. I’ve taken him to a counselor to see whether there is a deeper issue, but we can’t seem to find anything. Is this just a growing boy? His sisters have given up on him; my husband says that seeing as he’s 18, we could throw him out, but I just cannot do that. I work hard for my family. I love my family. And I can’t figure out where I went wrong. Annie, I miss my little boy. What do I do? DEAR MISERABLE MOMMA » Tough love can be tough to give our children, but sometimes it’s the only option. After all, protecting them from the consequences of their actions isn’t really a kindness; it just prevents them from learning from mistakes in the long run. Your husband’s correct. Your son is an adult, and you’re within your rights to tell him to move out of the house (or at least start paying rent and following your house rules). If you don’t want to do that just yet, consider doing so after the school year is over. He needs to find his rock bottom before he realizes which way is up.

I know this won’t be easy for you, so I encourage you to find the support you need to stay strong. One good place to find it is in a room full of people who understand exactly what you’re going through: at a meeting of Families Anonymous (for friends and family of people with addictions or other compulsive behaviors) or Al-Anon (for friends and family of people with alcoholism specifically). Visit these organizations’ websites to find a meeting near you. DEAR ANNIE » I hope you can help me with a friendship problem I am having. A group of six or seven of us get together for birthdays and other events. We also do things individually. One in our group, whom I interact with regularly, and I were attending an event where I mentioned we would stay for only a half-hour. I lost track of time, only to have her angrily motion for me to leave. She stormed ahead of me to our vehicle and berated me, stating, “You said we would only be there a half-hour!” (We were there for an hour.) She refused to talk to me the rest of the way home. I apologized and said I would have left if she had only told me she was ready to leave.

A few weeks later, at a potluck, we had a seating mix-up. She placed her dish at the space I had reserved and got very upset when I said I was already sitting there. Apparently, she has since chosen to dissolve our friendship. I am perplexed by how such simple mix-ups could warrant the end of a 10-year friendship, and I am concerned this will place strain on future social get-togethers with our group. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could go about resolving this issue? She is not very open to communication. This is not the first time she has dropped a friendship, and sometimes it’s for a long period of time. DEAR PERPLEXED » It’s not you; it’s her. And it sounds as if it’s been her for a while, seeing as she’s had falling-outs with multiple friends.

Try approaching her, one-on-one, and asking whether everything is all right. It’s possible she’s having personal or health issues that are causing this irritability. But if she continues snapping at you, keep a safe distance until she’s ready to treat you better. Friends don’t berate friends.