Too Angry to Enjoy Retirement

DEARANNIE » My husband of nearly 50 years recently retired from a long and successful career as a litigator. He loved his work very much and rarely lost a case. In the past few years, I have seen a dramatic decrease in both his health and his happiness. He always seems ready for a fight — with a neighbor, a family member or just a server at a restaurant. This unnecessary stress that he is putting on himself is making both of our lives miserable. When I try to talk to himabout it, he gives me a winning argument as to why he is right and everyone else is wrong. Last week, he got himself so worked up that he began to have heart palpitations. We had to go to the ER. The doctors did a full panel work-up on him and concluded that he is physically in great shape and that this is probably the result of stress. How is it possible that my husband is more stressed out in retirement than he was when he was working full time? I wish that we could be having more fun together, but he never allows himself to because he is always sweating all the small things. — Retirement Did Not Do a

Body Good

DEARRDNDABG » Some people find work to be relaxing, and it sounds as though your husband is one of those people. Let’s hope this small health scare will give you an opening to have an honest conversation with him. Start by telling him how much you love him, adding that you’re so excited to spend more time together. Be honest and direct with your observations about his anger toward what sounds like everyone. Anytime you enter a new phase in life, it can be very jarring. The key is to encourage him to find the right balance. He might work part time or volunteer to do some pro bono work. If his anger at everything were to persist, he really would become a candidate for a heart attack, so counseling should be seriously considered.

DEARANNIE » I just read the letter from“My Sad Story.” I agree that therapy might be very beneficial to her, even to bring about a better relationship with her sister, whomay have traumatic memories of her own that she is dealing with differently. But you didn’t touch on what she said in the last sentence of her letter. She said, “A little kindness, a warmgesture or even a smile might go a long way toward making an unhappy person’s day.” She is so right. Those things really canmake all the difference. But is she doing this herself when she meets people or is with relatives or friends? Or does she wait for others to make the first move? She says she presents a normal face to the world — but sometimes what others see may not be the face she thinks she is showing. If she appears grimor gloomy, people may assume that she isn’t very friendly. If my suspicion is right and she does wait for others to make the first move, she should start reaching out to others with a smile, a warmgesture or a little kindness. She might suddenly see a change in the way people respond to her. — Give Smiles andGet

Smiles

DEAR GIVES MILES AND GET

SMILES » I’m printing your letter because you make a great point. Smile on.

DEARANNIE » Twenty-five years ago, my husband and I honeymooned in Kenya. While there, we both fell in love with elephants. We discovered that they are one of the most intelligent and kindest animals around. While on safari, we witnessed a baby elephant crying. The entire family went over to comfort her. The el- ephants seemed to express a tremendous amount of compassion.

Recently, for our 25th anniversary, my husband gave me a beautiful brooch shaped like an elephant. The next day, I went to my jeweler to have the brooch appraised for insurance purposes. The jeweler determined that it’s made of 18-karat gold, diamonds... and ivory. I was shocked. How could my husband buy ivory in the States? Given the fact that elephants are an endangered species, I thought ivory was banned.

I immediately called my husband and asked him where he bought this. He said the local pawnshop. Is it still legal to buy ivory in America?

— Elephant Lover

DEAR ELEPHANT LOVER

It’s fitting your letter reached me in time for Mother’s Day, as elephants are known to make terrific moms and they help look after one another’s young. You’re correct that they’re intelligent creatures.

Though it’s unfortunate your husband accidentally purchased ivory when trying to commemorate your love for the species, it was an honest mistake — and probably something he didn’t even think to check for. After looking into it, I also was shocked to find out you can legally buy ivory in the States if it’s in an antique piece.

For information about protecting this beautiful species, visit https://www.wcs.org/96-elephants. You can also visit Change.org and sign the petition titled “Ban ALL Ivory in the U.S. to Stop Cruel Elephant Poaching.”