The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)

Friend Socializes With the ‘Other Woman’

- Annie Lane Dear Annie

DEARANNIE » Not long ago, I got out of a relationsh­ip with an ex who was sometimes physically abusive to me. It was a nasty relationsh­ip with an even nastier breakup. And though I can now look back at it as a blessing in disguise, I can’t deny the fact that it broke my heart and soul into a million pieces and has left a lot of emotional scar tissue. Anyway, a close friend of mine, “Pam,” recently mentioned that she sees my ex and his girlfriend (the woman he was cheating on me with) fairly often and is on friendly terms with both of them. She even told me that she and this girl have had several one-onone conversati­ons about how they would like to be friends but can’t because of me. It was bordering on accusatory; I felt as if I was supposed to thank her.

Annie, I would never put someone in a position to choose one friend over another. But Pam did not know either of these people before this. In fact, she helped pick up the pieces and put me back together after the relationsh­ip blowup. I just don’t understand why she would actively grow friendlier and friendlier with my ex and his girlfriend. I told her that I was confused and hurt by this informatio­n, and she just didn’t seem to get it at all and thought I was being overdramat­ic.

I don’t expect my friends to punch my ex and the “other woman” in the face when they see them, but I also wouldn’t expect them to actively initiate a friendship with them. Am I being selfish? Is there a proper way to handle this?

— Wish It Didn’t Bother Me

DEAR WIDBM » Though you can’t make rules for your friends, you can make rules for you and your mental health. One of those rules might be to not spend time with people who actively associate with your abuser — not to punish them but to protect yourself. You can explain as much to Pam by saying, “To be honest, this makes me very uncomforta­ble. I can’t dictate whom you’re friends with, and I won’t stand in the way of this, but I also can’t give it my blessing, if that’s what you’re looking for. I need to move forward and heal myself emotionall­y, and that means keeping a safe distance from the person who abused me.

DEARANNIE » You asked for others to write in about options folks have chosen for senior living. My folks are in their 90s, and they considered a senior living facility. Ultimately, it would have been very expensive and impractica­l for them. So they chose another route: aging in place — but not with us.

Aging in place is becoming very popular. Many seniors who find they need help with more and more tasks want to stay in a familiar environmen­t. Caregivers can be hired — from once a week to full time — and may be similar in cost to a facility. In our situation, we were lucky enough to be able to purchase the house next door. We made a gate and pathway between the two houses. Now they have visits from family every day. They are secure knowing that they will live out their years among family but in their own home. Aging in place was the best choice for their situation.

— Delighted Daughter in CA

DEAR DELIGHTED DAUGHTER» What a blessing, both for you and for them. Thanks for sharing your experience. DEARANNIE » I amnot a fan at all of potlucks at work. First of all, I think it is rude to ask employees who have worked all day to bring food into work the next day. Secondly, I am concerned about the food that some people bring to work. Is it old? Has it been prepared in a hygienic environmen­t? I feel that companies should have food delivered to their employees and not burden the employees with buying food, preparing food and dragging large slow cookers and trays of food into work. When the potluck circumstan­ces arise, I think it would be best for employees to share the expense and have the food delivered. I am hoping others in the workplace see this and realize that a lot of people do not want to be burdened with the potluck ordeal. Could it be that I amjust not a teamplayer? Please advise.

— Potlucked Out

DEAR POTLUCKED OUT » There’s a simple social contract for potlucks. Bring food if you want to eat; don’t eat if you don’t bring food. They’re optional by definition, so next time, opt out. Youmight find that a few of your co-workers follow suit. You probably aren’t the only one who doesn’t enjoy going home after a long day at the office only to do more work in the kitchen.

If management gives you any grief about not participat­ing, pitch your idea of organizing a group takeout order from a nearby restaurant so you can all bond over a shared meal without the additional labor. Sometimes being a good team player means suggesting some changes to the playbook.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspu­blishing.com for more informatio­n. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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