Trying to figure out the English language

English has plenty of weird quirks and oddball spellings that can make it difficult - and amusing.

At times the English language is very confusing, bordering on the craziness. I know. I’ve been reading, speaking and trying to write in some semblance of this sometimes very confusing language.

My native language, while not as indecipherable as my Welsh native tongue, does have many strange paradoxes that are very hard to explain to people learning English. This simple country man and his lovely grammarian wife will maybe delight and confuse you with the following. (For a moment you are a recent immigrant speaking a foreign language diametrically opposed to English, and I am your English language teacher.)

The English language has many similarly-spelled words with entirely different meanings. Some examples. “In Brookfield, farmers used to produce produce.” “The white tailed buck does funny things when the does run around our back yard.” “When I cut my finger, Lois wound the bandage around the wound.” “This country man could lead the United States if he got the lead out.” “When my neighbor shot at the dove, it dove into the bushes.” And lastly, “Lois did not object to the object, which happened to be this simple country man.”

My favorite postscript: “Since there is no time like the present, he thought time to present the present.” Three similarly spelled words with three different meanings in a single sentence.

To continue this confusing essay: there is no egg in eggplant; nor ham in hamburgers. Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France; sweet meats are candies while sweet breads, which aren’t sweet, are meat; boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is a pig.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposite? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? One person has suggested that all English speakers should be committed to the asylum for the verbally insane.

An English teacher has suggested that there is a two-letter word that may very well have more meanings than any other word, and that word is “up.” Seemingly its meaning is simple. We all look up at the sky, but when we get out of bed in the morning, why do we wakeup? Topics come up all the time in our church. I call up my friend George fairly regularly. Lois and I don’t lock up our house. My friend Wayne has to fix up our old truck fairly routinely. Some people like to stir up trouble in Brookfield. People have to line up to come into our church on Sunday morning. This countryman comes up with many excuses for not working. My beautiful wife loves to dress up to play the organ in church. Every morning this simple country couple opens up the door to the outhouse—separately.

My assignment, as a former teacher, is for you to come up with your list of the many ways “up” is used. It will take up a lot of your time, but don’t give up and you may wind up with 100 or more uses. I guess it’s time to close up because the clouds are clouding up, but we’re hoping the sun will be clearing up the cloudy sky. So this simple country man will shut up and head back up into the Brookfield hills.