The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)
Friend assaulted on blind date
DEARANNIE »
About six months ago, a friend confided in me that he had been sexually assaulted a year prior by a blind date. After watching an episode of “ER,” we were talking about sexually transmitted infections, and he mentioned needing to get tested, which brought up the revelation of his assault. He was very straightforward about telling me and said that he had dealt with everything already and was ready to move past it. He’s also had relationships and casually dated people since the assault, and he said things were completely fine.
I’ve tried to let himknow that I’m here if he wants to talk, but he brushes the concern aside and starts a newtopic each time it comes up. He’s even joked a few times about hoping it doesn’t happen again as he’s heading out the door for a date. I’m never sure how to reply to jokes like that. Awkward chuckle? I doubt he needs or wants any pitying glances. His demeanor is very different fromthat of my female friends who have also been assaulted, and I don’t know how to navigate the conversation without projecting my own emotions — or emotions that I think should be expected — on him. Annie, do youhave any recommendations or resources for helping men who’ve been sexually assaulted or for their friends and family members?
— At a Loss
DEARATALOSS »
I amso sorry your friend went through that. He’s not alone. Approximately 1 in 6men have experienced sexual assault or abuse. The fact that he opened up to you about his experience means that he sees your friendship as a safe space in which he can be vulnerable. If you can continue providing that space, you’ll have done a lot. Ambivalent and complex emo- tions will arise at times. Know that it’s not necessary to “resolve” those feelings; simply sitting with themand with himis often the best thing you can do, even when it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes survivors use humor as a way to cope with trauma, which may be what he’s doing with those jokes. But you don’t have to laugh at them. A neutral reaction is fine.
For more tips on supporting him, visit 1in6. org; select the “Get Information” tab and then “For Family and Friends.” You can also chat with a trained advocate using the 1in6 website, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
DEARANNIE »
Summer is here, and so are summer scams.
Recently, my motherin-law received a call from my daughter’s “friend” telling her that her granddaughter had been driving and caused a wreck resulting in serious injuries to a woman in another car. She insisted that my daughter didn’t want to tell us about the accident and asked for money that she would pay back soon. She even said she had a lawyer to represent her and gave a number. My mother-in-law is a trusting woman. Luckily, she felt she had to talk to her son before she did anything, and of course the fish failed to swallow the hook. Please print this letter to let others know not to trust anyone peddling this sort of scam.
People also should know not to open their doors to strangers, no matter what they say. Call the police and stay inside your home. If you are contacted via phone or text, call your provider and ask whether someone working there can trace the call and alert fraud agencies. Don’t answer calls from unknown numbers, and never provide information or money to strangers, no matter how convincing their script.
— NowWiser
DEARNOWWISER »
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Scams can also be reported at www.ftccomplaintassistant.gov.
DEARANNIE »
As we enter the dog days of summer, please remind your readers to take care of their dogs. Leaving a dog in the car is dangerous, especially this time of year. Today I was walking through the grocery parking lot and saw two instances in which a dog was trapped in a car, panting. I took down the license plate numbers and went into the store and had someone make an announcement. Fortunately, the owners came right out.
According to the Humane Society of the United States, on a 72-degree day, the inside of a car can heat up to 116 degrees within an hour. On an 80-degree day, the inside of a car can heat up to 99 degrees within 10 minutes! And rolling a window down does little to decrease the temperature. I hope you will share this information with your readers. It might prevent some tragedies.
— Concerned for Canines
DEAR CONCERNED FOR CANINES »
Thank you for this letter. You did the right thing by alerting someone in the store. You should also contact the authorities when you see an animal overheating in a car, as they can come rescue the animal and give you instructions on what to do until they arrive. The Humane Society offers more information on this subject, as well as tips to keep your dog adequately cool all summer long, on its website (www.humanesociety.org). “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.