Supporting people who have lost loved ones to covid-19

DEAR ANNIE » Most people have not experienced the loss of a loved one from the COVID-19 virus. However, my father died Friday night after fighting weeks for his life. The situation was agonizing and yet our friends’ reactions to it have been a bit surreal. Here are some tips on supporting the bereaved based on what we have experienced:

Please don’t ask, “How did they catch this?” My father lived at home in a small community and was healthy otherwise. Who knows how he was exposed, and what does it matter to you?

Offer your sincere sympathy. My brother and I couldn’t be with our father while he was hospitalized, not when he was trying to make end-of-life decisions and not even when the ventilator was disconnected and he died. That added to our stress greatly. Due to the shelter-in-place order, we won’t be having a funeral service. Our father was cremated without us being able to view his body once more.

Take the extra step and send a sympathy card or text, or phone the loved ones. There is no shame in a COVID-19 death; please don’t ignore it. Don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Just do something. Drop off a homemade meal or a floral bouquet, or order a pizza to be delivered.

Most importantly, please do not say how much this pandemic has inconvenienced you, or how tired you are of the restrictions. Additionally, I don’t want to hear people’s political views. I just want to know that people are going to be safe so that they — or their loved ones — don’t have to go through this same wretched experience.

— Mourning in Morton, IL

DEAR MOURNING » Iamso sorry that this terrible disease took your father’s life. It’s always agonizing when a loved one dies, but losing someone during this pandemic presents additional heartache — not being able to be beside them in their final moments, not being able to view the body, not being able to hold a funeral or perform other important rites. And for many, it means grieving in isolation.

What an unnecessary burden to be dealing with stigmatization on top of such devastation. I hope you and your family will experience more compassion in the weeks to come.

DEAR ANNIE » Several of the letters you have addressed in your column involve persons who are dealing with sexual urges, compulsions, etc. Mostly the letters are from wives of men who can’t seem to stay away from porn, have numerous affairs or have other sexually related problems.

I urge you to advise such people to contact Sex Addicts Anonymous at https:// saa-recovery.org/iso/ for more information. The website includes a list of meetings around the country and has a lot of written material available. As a recovering sex addict whose life has been significantly improved as a result of SAA, I know the help it can bring — both to the sufferer and to his/her spouse and family. Thank you and keep up the good work.

— Bruce in Tallahassee

DEAR BRUCE » Thank you for sharing your journey toward recovery. I’ve heard from several readers over the years who have made great progress thanks to SAA, and I’m glad to recommend it here.

DEAR ANNIE » What do you do about embarrassing memories that pop into your head randomly and make you want to crawl in a hole?

It seems to keep happening to me lately. I’ll be washing my hair in the shower, or trying to drift off to sleep at night, when, suddenly, I remember a humiliating event from my past and feel a flush of heat through my whole body. This is especially a problem when I’m trying to sleep since it sends adrenaline rushing through me and keeps me awake for an hour or more.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about this. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and share it with someone. I’m also curious to know if anyone else has experienced this. Am I crazy?

— Mortified

DEAR MORTIFIED » No, you’re not crazy, and you’re not alone. To err is human; to dwell on the error, especially so. Everyone experiences these “cringe attacks” from time to time. It can help to let the memory come up, rather than trying to suppress it. What we resist persists. A 2015 study found that focusing on other details of such memories — such as what the room looked like or who you were with — can gradually reduce the emotional effect they have on you. (Melissa Dahl discusses this study in her book “Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness,” which is definitely worth a read.)

Still, if you notice that these thoughts are becoming more frequent and interrupting your daily life, consider seeing a therapist for guidance in managing anxiety.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.