A Love Lost

DEAR ANNIE » I’m heartbroken over an event that took place 52 years ago.

I dated a girl in high school for several years and was truly in love. After I graduated from high school in 1967, I asked her to marry me. She took my hand and said that she couldn’t because she was pregnant from her former boyfriend. I was shocked, hurt and destroyed from within. Naturally, we broke up, and we both moved on with our lives.

It bothered me more because of the fact that he was an addict and I believe he got her hooked on drugs, and she died at the age of 49.

I worked at the local hospital for many years. One day, upon my return from vacation, I was told that a woman in the ICU had been asking for me. Now, this was 32 years after our breakup. She remembered me and followed my career in medicine to know I worked there. She died a few days before I returned from vacation.

I found her grave today. It was a sad day. Why does this bother me so much? The cemetery had her obituary. In it, I found enough information about her life after me, including information on her two daughters. Should I contact them and get filled in on her life?

— Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN » I am so sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that you are still upset about her death. While time is known to heal wounds, it does not mean we forget about people who were important to us growing up. Just because you both went on to love other people does not mean you didn’t stop caring about each other as friends. The fact that she looked you up all those years later and knew where you worked shows that.

I can imagine being a drug addict and being married to one is a very lonely life. She probably remembered you from before her life was filled with addiction and wanted to say goodbye. Although it is so sad you weren’t able to, you could connect to her through her daughters.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to them, sharing memories of how great their mother was and learning about her life. The main point to stress is this is not about romantic love but rather how you care deeply about her as a friend. The man she married is probably their father, so I would not tell them your opinion of him.

DEAR ANNIE » My husband and I have been socializing with another couple, “Cal” and “Sandy,” for many years. We go out to dinner often and have taken trips together. Cal has always made snide and off-color remarks. He would say derogatory things about my political affiliation, my profession (I’m a teacher) and my children. He always laughs and acts like he is joking. I usually brushed it off and chalked it up to him being an insecure bully.

Recently, he asked my opinion about our pastor’s request that we wear face masks in public to keep others safe. I said that I thought it was important, especially since my father was currently in the hospital suffering from the coronavirus. He is a resident of a nursing home that has been on lockdown since March, and there was a large outbreak of the virus at his home. It has been a difficult time for my family since we have not been able to visit him.

A few days later, we were having dinner with Cal and Sandy along with two other couples. Cal made a snide comment about my political affiliation, which I brushed off, and he made a snide comment about my profession, which I also brushed off. He then made derogatory comments about my dad’s socalled coronavirus illness. My dad had just been released from the hospital that day and, thankfully, was doing much better. I was shocked and didn’t say anything at that time.

The next day, I did a lot of thinking and decided to cut this man out of my life. I unfriended him on social media and made a vow to not associate with him again. Is it fair to ask my husband to also quit associating with Cal? It’s going to be difficult because we go to the same church, and he and my husband are in a club together.

— Hurting in Louisville

DEAR HURTING IN LOUISVILLE » Cutting Cal out of your life sounds like a great decision. He sounds insensitive and like a true bully. Right now, your focus should be on your wellbeing and your family’s wellbeing. In the future, if you find yourself with a bully such as Cal, and the wherewithal to have such a conversation, consider telling him to stop the snide comments. Sticking up for yourself is an act of selfcare that can create a ripple effect of others sticking up for themselves, too.

It’s time to have an honest talk with your husband. He heard what Cal said about your father and your profession, as well as Cal’s lack of social graces so as not to discuss political issues at the dinner table. When this happens in the future, how would you like your husband to support you? And if he is to continue his friendship with Cal, then your husband must demand an apology from Cal to you.

What about Sandy? She has to be married to this man. Reaching out to her might also be a good idea.

Best of luck either ridding yourself of Cal or teaching him some manners and lessons in kindness.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.