The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)
Bring your info with you
DEAR ANNIE » I often go to a large pharmacy to pick up prescriptions. They see hundreds of customers daily, so there is no way the several pharmacists would recognize me. Since I wear a mask and must speak through the plastic shield between us, sometimes they cannot understand me when I say my name and birthday.
I’ve found a simple solution: to write my name and birthday clearly on a piece of paper before I go into the pharmacy and then hold it up for them to see. When I did this, one pharmacist said, “I wish more people would do this.”
It’s bad enough having to hear properly with the mask and plastic wall, but sometimes the speech of the person in line is not very clear, making the situation worse. This takes more time to get the information across. By everything writing down in advance, it helps you and the pharmacist, eliminates frustration and speeds along the whole process.
— Jungle Jim in Indiana
DEAR JUNGLE JIM » What a wonderful idea! Thank you for sharing it.
DEAR ANNIE » I grew up with an alcoholic father. It made my childhood and teenage years incredibly difficult. It strained my relationship with my dad throughout my entire life. I have since been moved out of my parents’ home, for about 10 years now, and the distance has made it easier to accept the fact that he will never change, despite multiple attempts.
Now, my once very successful mother has fallen victim to the same alcoholism as my father. She lost her career that she had for 25 years and has thus lost her sense of purpose. She is now drinking alcohol to obliteration. Every. Single. Day. She has turned into my father — something she swore would never happen to her.
I have talked to her endlessly about the consequences. I have tried every approach to try and level with her — from coming from a place of love and understanding to giving her tough love, and everything in between. I’ve encouraged hobbies and ideas to keep busy (although difficult during COVID times) and I even provided her with an online counselor. I feel like I have exhausted every avenue, and I understand that a person can only change if they want to change.
This has become mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I love my mom and know she is having a very difficult time. I am having trouble cutting ties entirely because I don’t want to leave her during her time of desperate need; however, there is only so much more heartbreak I can handle.
What else can I do to help my mom, and when is it appropriate to cut ties and take a step back for my own mental health?
— Exhausted from
Alcoholism
DEAR EXHAUSTED FROM ALCOHOLISM » The time to take a step back and focus on your own mental health is now. Your love and commitment to your parents and their health and well-being is clear.
It is also clear how much your parents’ suffering and alcoholism is affecting you. So, yes, though it’s important to support them, it is equally important to protect yourself from them.
Your mother has succumbed to a very serious and addictive disease. Continue to tell her how much you love her and that you want her to get better. As much as you can, don’t take on that burden of “healing” or “fixing” her. You have been through enough. And as you mentioned, a person will only change if they choose to change.
Surround yourself with healthy friends and family as much as you can. The people we surround ourselves — physically, virtually, mentally — influence our thoughts and behaviors. It’s time to celebrate you and your own ability to heal.
Suggest AA and Al-anon to your mom, as well as the help of a professional counselor who focuses on the issues of alcoholism and being married to an alcoholic. By stepping outside of her own problems and focusing on her husband, marriage and family, she might see her behavior with more clarity.
Wishing you well. Your mother sounds very smart and successful. I’m hopeful that, in time and with help, she will pull out of this. And remember, there is still hope for your father.
DEAR READERS » During this unprecedented time, I wanted to share that I am thinking about you and your loved ones and sending you well wishes for health, safety and love.
Recently, I was devastated to read that the Villages retirement community in Florida was hit hard by COVID-19. Some of my best letters were sent from people in the Villages. Please know that I care about your health and safety. Wear a mask in public and please keep physically distanced as much as possible.
Remember, this won’t last forever. There will be a vaccine. Please keep hope alive. The more we stand united in taking preventative actions and in sharing our love and gratitude with others, the faster these trying times will, eventually, be a part of our history, just like the Spanish flu of a century ago.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.