Rocky seas lead to drifting ships

DEARANNIE » My wife and I are drifting apart. I’m a recovering alcoholic of four years. I put her through a lot when I was drinking. When

I got sober, I put my recovery first. I went to a lot of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and put her second. Now, she is seeing someone else.

I think at this point it’s only an emotional affair, not a sexual one. But there have been times when she said she was going out with friends, and I know she went out with him. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I should be angry, and I’m not. But I don’t like it — it bothers me to no end. Communication in our relationship is nonexistent. I’m not sure what to do.

— Drifting

DEAR DRIFTING » Let’s start with congratulations on your recovery. Four years is something to be very proud of. It sounds like your wife still harbors resentment and pain from your drinking days. I might suggest that she attend Al- Anon meetings to help her better understand why you have to put your recovery first. My guess is that you know that if you didn’t, everything else in your life would fall apart, including your marriage.

The past is past, and it sounds like you have made amends. Communication is key in any marriage. It’s been so long that you and your wife might need to rebuild these communication channels to make this work. Take action and seek the help of a professional marriage counselor. If your wife refuses to go, then you should go yourself. Sometimes, when people use alcohol to numb their feelings for years, they lose touch with them. It’s time to go to a therapist or counselor and rediscover how you do feel about things.

And keep going to meetings. As they say in AA, the program works if you work it.

DEAR ANNIE » I am a worried mother. My 14- year- old daughter is on a social media site with her friends. She was at a birthday party last Saturday, and apparently, all sorts of photos were taken. One of the girls posted a picture and purposefully cropped her face out of the photo, with some type of hashtag about my daughter being a nerd and no one wanting her at the party anyway because she is “ugly.”

My daughter locked herself in her room and cried for the first week. Each morning is a battle to get her to go to school. She thought this girl was her friend, and she can’t understand why her friend was so mean and humiliating to her on socialmedia.

I tried to explain to my daughter that it’s just one mean girl who probably, deep down, hates herself and has to be mean as a result. It never feels good to be purposefully mean. I even quoted from one of your columns and said that “Hurt people hurt people.” My daughter would not hear any of my pep talk. She said I don’t understand — that this girl is the coolest girl in the school, and that a diss like that in front of all her followers was social suicide.

I have also noticed that she has been glued to her phone ever since, trying to post selfies of herself and endlessly scrolling through posts. She seems to have completely lost interest in things that once brought her joy, like walking the dog or going to tennis practice. This incident seems to have sparked a sort of depression. Since we got her a phone, I have noticed that the light that was once in her eyes is slowly dimming.

I want to take away her phone, but I’m afraid it’s too late. She just seems so sad and totally preoccupied with that little blue screen.

— Concerned Mother

DEAR CONCERNED MOTHER » Your daughter experienced cyberbullying. Sadly, this is happening at an alarming rate. There are many helpful websites including the STOMP Out Bullying website that you and your daughter can search through together.

The National PTA site is dedicated to parents and offers tools to help children deal with cyberbullying.

A new documentary called “The Social Dilemma” came out on Netflix, and it discusses some of these very issues. Sit down and watch it with your daughter.

It’s also not too late to get her off her phone. But the decision will stick so much better if it comes from her. Ask her if she remembers her life before the phone and social media. Maybe it was a little freer, less complicated, and she was happier. Be an example by making sure you are not glued to your phone or on social media.

It is hard enough to be a teenager without all this online comparison and obsession with how someone looks through fake filters. At the end of the day, a warm, loving hug from Mom can do a great deal to calm her nerves. Even if she pushes you away, keep trying.

If none of this works and your daughter is completely withdrawn, you should consult a professional therapist.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e- book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators. com.