Should I Move On?

DEARANNIE » I have been withmy boyfriend for 16 years. Until this year, wewere very happy. We shared a home together and talked all the time. We had a healthy sex life. Our relationship was great. But when the pandemic happened, his 22- year- old daughtermoved in. Since then, my world was turned upside- down.

She is rude tome and won’t engage in conversation. It’s like she pretends I’mnot even there when she walks by. She doesn’t clean up after herself. When I told him I wanted her to show me some respect and speak tome, he toldme I needed to show her some respect.

Over the years, my partner has askedme tomake some hard choices. At one time, my nephewhad to move inwithus for a few months. He insisted that my nephew pay rent even though we were living in the house I grew up in at the time. On another occasion, I let go of 30- year friendships because he didn’t like my friends. Lastly, I gave up my home and moved into a house he bought without me seeing it.

He has asked me to make some sacrifices over the years, and I did because I love him. When I asked him to make one, he called me crazy and refused to do it.

I finally moved out. I don’t want to lose the love ofmy life, but I don’t feel comfortable in that house anymore. He did say he was willing to go to couples therapy, and I have tried to set that up but it has been hard due to the pandemic.

He acts like everything is fine. All I wantedwas some respect. And to take back my role in my house. I’m afraid that my relationship is over, and I need to accept that andmove on. What do you think?

— Left Behind

DEAR LEFT » While his daughter’s presencemay have brought issues to a boil between you and your partner, it sounds as though they’ve been simmering for quite some time. I’m troubled to hear that hemade you end 30- year friendships because he didn’t like your friends. That’s not love, and it’s not healthy. In fact, that type of controlling behavior is often part of a pattern of emotional abuse. I encourage you to learnmore about thewarning signs of abusive behavior by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline ( 800- 799- 7233) or visiting thehotline. org.

If I’ve misjudged the situation entirely and he’s not abusive, then give couples therapy a try. There’s no need to wait until after the pandemic is over, as there are virtual options available. You can find a database at www. psychologytoday. com/ therapists/ onlinecounseling.

DEARANNIE » Thank you for pointing out that talking ( listening!) on the phone while driving is dangerous. Even hands- free calls are dangerous. Many studies have demonstrated this, and perhaps you can put up a link for your readers if they want validating evidence.

— Hang It Up

DEARHANGITUP » Although making hands- free phone calls while driving is significantly safer than handheld cellphone use ( especially texting), it can still reduce one’s ability to perceive hazards on the road. AAA produced a fascinating video demonstrating the levels of distraction associated with various tasks. You can find it by searching Youtube for “Cognitive Distraction - Full Video.”

DEARANNIE » My sister passed away in September, and I was really looking forward to spending an evening with her family during Christmas. I’d not really been close with her husband or children in the past, but it’s important tome to spend time with themnow.

Well, apparently, my exhusband has been invited to their house, along with his wife of three years. We divorced five years ago, after he verbally and emotionally abusedme for 21 years. Admittedly, I left themarriage in a not so great way, with the first personwho toldme that I was beautiful.

This holiday situation has created a lot of tension betweenme andmy children, and it’s heartbreaking. I will not go, because my ex will be there, and I just don’t want to see him. But I was wondering if you thinkwhat my brother- inlaw, niece and nephew are doing is right.

— Sitting Itout

DEARSITTING » I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. Let’s withhold judgment of her husband and children, who are also deep in grief. Maybe they didn’t even want your ex to come, he just invited himself. That would square with the history of emotionally abusive behavior that you mentioned.

Whatever the case, what ( SET ITAL) you( END ITAL) are doing is right — because everyone should be sitting out holiday gatherings this year. Fortunately, even fromafar, you can still get closer with your niece, nephew and brother- in- law, through video chats, phone calls or emails. It might take some time to break the ice, but keep chipping away. You will find pieces of your sister in one another.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book— featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette— is available as a paperback and e- book. Visit http:// www. creatorspublishing. com formore information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators. com.