Look inside, not at the scale

DEAR ANNIE » I met my wife online 11 years ago. Within six weeks of our marriage, I realized she was changing. She was trim and lovely at the start, but I feared she would let herself go — and that is exactly what happened.

She is now well over 30 pounds overweight, and I can’t say anything about it or it’s abuse. I’m 64 and I keep active and stay in shape. I have no desire for her at all. We have been to counseling, but it didn’t help. I don’t know what to do.

— Frustrated Husband

DEAR FRUSTRATED HUSBAND »

I’m hearing complaints you have about your wife, but have you looked at the reason she has put on 30 pounds? Is she happy in her life? Since you are active, is there any chance you could persuade her to engage in physical activity with you? Take your focus off of the number on the scale and put it onto her health. Help her find a healthy routine that she would enjoy with you. A healthy marriage is one in which you build up your partner, not find all of his or her faults.

DEAR ANNIE » The letter you published from Missing My Things reminds me very much of my husband and me. He would go through my “stack” of things in the guise of tidying up, throw out my things he didn’t think necessary and yet throw away nothing of his own.

I asked him to let me go through my own things. I asked him to only handle his things, and I said that I would handle mine. Then I told him flat out, “If something does not belong to you, you have no right to throw it away.” One day, I found in the trash can a small plastic bucket that I had bought awhile ago at the beach, as well as sea glass, shells and rocks that I had collected for a craft project.

I asked what right he had to throw it all in the trash when it wasn’t his. His answer was that he thought they belonged to our granddaughter. What? Even if they were hers, they were not his. I told him, “You have no right to throw out something that’s not yours.” I said that when I start going through things, I will throw his things out as well. That worked. It stopped.

Maybe “Missing’s” husband has obsessive compulsive disorder or is ill, but two can play that game if he doesn’t get the point and stop.

— Nip It in the Bud

DEAR NIP IT IN THE BUD »

Your direct approach with your husband was the key to your success. Congrats on taking charge.

Hi, Annie: As a therapist specializing in eating disorders for 30-plus years, I’d like to weigh in about the mother worrying about her adolescent daughter’s eating and weight. This is a very common dynamic: A mother who struggles with her own weight passes her distress down to her child by being critical about her size and food intake. Making it an issue is the surest way for the daughter to develop an eating problem, and it sounds as if she may already have.

Children also often use their eating and size as a way to rebel against their parents. Suggesting that Mom invite her daughter to do more things with her may or may not be right for this young woman. She might want more independence and less contact with Mom.

DEAR ANNIE » Here’s an idea for people to pass the time while staying at home: Get a journal and write down memories of your childhood and your life today. Fill it with memories of your family, parents, grandparents, etc., and interesting things about them that future generations would not know without your journal. You are never too young or too old to start this. Many of us are senior citizens and a lot of families don’t talk about times gone by with the younger generations.

I don’t remember much family talk when I was younger. I was in my 50s when I realized I didn’t know anything about family beyond my grandparents. Communications had been lost with my dad’s family. My mother’s family lived in my state. I sent out letters to all my mother’s nieces and nephews requesting information about names, birthdates, marriages and children in exchange for me putting it all together and sending them copies. One of my mother’s sisters was still living and was able to provide me with the names of her grandparents and greatgrandparents. I started researching on the internet in 2000 and was put together my maternal family from my great-great-grandparents forward, which I shared with everyone who wanted a copy. By putting my family trees on Ancestry.com, I was able to establish contact with an aunt and several cousins. One cousin who grew up and lived in the area where my maternal grandparents resided has shared many memories with me of my grandparents’ lives. I just wish I had looked into this earlier. Unfortunately, by the time we realize how little we know about the older generations, the people are gone. These journals would enlighten future generations to good times and hardships.

— 81 and Wishing I Knew

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DEAR 81 » What a great idea. It gives each of us a moment to recognize all we have accomplished and survived while creating something for future generations.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.