Unable to use computers

DEAR ANNIE » Iam

74 years old. Back in my 40s, I tried learning an up-andcoming new skill: how to use a computer. Well, my attempts were fruitless. I could never figure it out. My wife tried teaching me, but I just couldn’t get the hang of it. Later, my boss appointed a staff member (a computer “geek”) to give me lessons. After weeks of trying with daily one-on-one instruction, he gave up trying to teach me. For me, it was nothing but frustration.

I seem to be an otherwise intelligent person. Fiftythree years ago, I even graduated college with honors. I did well with networking and keeping up with the latest news, until computers became ubiquitous.

I know dyslexia is a recognized learning disability that affects otherwise intelligent people who can’t learn to read. Do I have something like that — something that is a recognized learning disability? Am I the only one in the world with this problem?

— In a Quagmire

DEAR QUAGMIRE » I have a feeling there are other people out there who have dealt with this problem, and I hope to hear from some of them. In the meantime, if this is causing you distress, ask your doctor to refer you to a specialist who can screen for cognitive disabilities.

For what it’s worth, far too many of us are overly dependent on our computers and smartphones. I don’t mean to trivialize what you’ve gone through; I understand that it’s been enormously frustrating. But you’ve likely been more present for life than many of us.

DEAR ANNIE » I am a 57-yearold divorced woman. I have a 31-year-old son who is dealing with serious health consequences from neglecting his Type 1 diabetes for the past 10 years. My heart breaks for him. His health keeps declining. He will have to start dialysis soon. He’s lived with me for most of his adult life.

My problem is that he is extremely verbally abusive. This has been going on for about five years and seems to be getting worse. He throws tantrums, sometimes so intense that he ends up damaging things in the house.

I’m tired of dealing with this, and I fear it will just keep getting worse. He can’t afford to live on his own with just $800 monthly disability checks. I just can’t deal with this anymore, but I can’t afford to pay rent at a whole separate apartment for him.

Is it wrong for me to professionally convert my two-car garage to an apartment for him and make him live there?

— Worn-down Mom

DEAR WORN-DOWN » If you’re asking whether it’s selfish of you to convert your garage into an apartment for your son — no, absolutely not. But it might be “wrong” for different reasons, in that it doesn’t go far enough in creating space between you two.

You need to set healthy boundaries with your son, for both of your sakes. It’s completely unacceptable for him to treat you so poorly. Also, it’s not healthy for him to be in an environment where he can avoid the consequences of his actions. As psychologist Noelle Nelson put it: “Enabling is helping a person in a way that feeds the dysfunction. Helping is being there for someone in a way that does not support the dysfunction.” I recommend reading Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and attending some meetings of a support group such as Families Anonymous before deciding on your next move.

DEAR ANNIE » I own a bar with my best friend. We work great together. I’ve been married for five years, and yesterday, my business partner showed me messages from my husband. He gave her his phone number and said if she ever wants to talk, she should call. He is in no way associated with our bar. They are friends through me. I am very upset he did this. I confronted him, and he said he was just being nice. However, I’m still mad and hurt he did this. Should I just overlook this as his being friendly, or do I have a reason to be upset?

— Aggravated

DEAR AGGRAVATED » These sorts of situations can function as Rorschach tests for relationships: What you see can reveal a lot about your headspace. There’s nothing inherently wrong with your husband reaching out to your business partner, so it’s worth asking yourself why your first instinct was to suspect something inappropriate. Are there past trust issues that you haven’t resolved? (Remember that “trust” doesn’t just mean trusting each other not to cheat but also trusting that you can be vulnerable.)

Or perhaps your husband knew that your friend would show you the messages, and he was trying to get your goat. Or maybe he was flirting with her, as you suspected.

Whatever the case, the only way you’ll find the real answer — and a real solution — is through open and honest conversation with your husband. Marriage counseling can create the space for that to happen, and it can also help you identify the path forward. Give it a try.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.