Staying together for the kid

DEAR ANNIE » I have been married for 11 years and have a wonderful 10-yearold son; however, my marriage is on very shaky ground.

I work more than

70 hours a week to maintain a wonderful home in a great community for the sake of my son. My husband, on the other hand, can barely see fit to get himself to work and is incredibly selfish on a regular basis.

For example, we recently had an argument about me donating money to charity — about $50 to $100 a month — which we can afford. This was something my son wanted us to do, and I believe our charity is a wonderful lesson for him. My husband said he has to think of himself first because “this is how you stay alive.” He said he should get that money instead of the charity.

This argument occurred on the day before my birthday. He completely did not acknowledge my 50th birthday — no card, no gifts and no recognition whatsoever. When I became upset, he told me I was being ridiculous and acting like I expected a Sweet 16 party.

If it weren’t for my son, I would have left this marriage a long time ago. My son feels the tension between us and asks me to promise we won’t split up or he would hate me. I’m sure this is what any child would say in such circumstances, but this would be my greatest fear. I am miserable but know that I deserve better. I’m just terrified to put my son through it.

— Parent Who Does Not

Want to Get Divorced

DEAR PARENT » Your husband sounds like a very unhappy person, and few things are more challenging than being married to one. You sound like a wonderful mother, and your son’s honesty with you is priceless. Children thrive in predictable, secure families with two parents who love them and love each other. If your husband’s monstrous behavior toward you does not change, it could severely damage your son.

Go to marriage counseling, and really try to make it work. Your marriage needs the help of a professional. If your husband refuses to go, then you might have to call it quits. Constantly fighting in front of your child can be just as harmful as splitting up.

DEAR ANNIE » My brothers tried to get me to give them my 401(k) retirement money — after they depleted their own by buying themselves new cars, “investment properties” and every new electronic toy that came out — under the guise of investing my retirement funds for me.

They are both divorced now and renting (one of them was homeless for a time). Once they understood I would not bail them out of their bad choices, I never heard from them; except when they asked our 92-year-old mother for her savings because she cannot say no.

— Just Say No; I Am Not

a Bank

DEAR JUST SAY NO » You are right that it is OK to say no to people and maintain boundaries — even if it is with the people you love. But you might feel better if you showed your brothers a little compassion. It won’t cost you a dime, and it will make you feel good to open your heart — but not your wallet — to them.

DEAR ANNIE » A few years ago, my son’s wife decided to divorce him because she didn’t love him anymore. We accepted that and showed our support for her despite her decision. Shortly thereafter, she was arrested for a heinous crime that I won’t elaborate. It impacted her children.

My son does not keep her parents from attending events that the kids are in because they are their grandparents. The issue that we are dealing with is: Her parents are ignoring their daughter’s crime and constantly talk about her to us. My son is now dating a wonderful woman, and she’s been a victim of these conversations as well.

Is there a polite way to tell them that we do not want to hear about their daughter as she awaits her trial, which has been delayed because of COVID-19?

— Former Daughter-inlaw’s Parents

DEAR PARENTS » The polite thing to do is to say directly that you don’t feel comfortable talking at length about their daughter. Change the subject if they continue. You can also use body language and give them a cold shoulder. Remember you are giving them the gift of your time by listening to them, and that is something they should respect. If you feel uncomfortable, then walk away; just as their daughter walked away from her marriage to your son.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.