Feeling stuck in a rut and down in the dumps

DEAR ANNIE » I’m writing to share my feelings about giving up and just being done. I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing really means diddly anymore, going from day to day in an effort to find happiness and the illusion of caring in anybody. No one gives a rip.

Let me cut through all the nonsense and masks. At 65, I’ve come to the conclusion that everyday niceties and greeting other folks are just people engaging in what everyone expects to hear. “How are you?” “Fine.” “How are you doing?” “Great.” But if we were to really answer truthfully, no one wants to hear it. It’s negative. Whining. Unmanly. We hold the pain internally, wearing the mask that portrays all is great, leading down the road of same ol’, same ol’.

I feel so guilty for feeling blue and depressed. I’m so blessed in life. I have a nice home, successful kids, good retirement, stuff — and comparing this to others who struggle day to day — guilt! Yet the internal blah is there nonetheless.

My children’s careers took them away across the states. I’m a single dad and grandpa. I get out with friends, but I’m always the third wheel. I give my time and share. I love deeply.

I just wish that when I’m asked how things are, I could answer openly and truthfully: “I’m lonely.”

Folks have their own masks to hide behind, same as me. We all are a bunch of phonies.

All I see around me are other angry Americans anymore. Angry on the road. Angry in the stores. Angry over politics. Short! Rude! Untrusting. Scammers. Liars. Like it’s all expected. Fraud insurance for profit. Schemes. No one has any regard for anyone else. The attitude is, “I’d better get it before some other guy does.”

The world has gone completely insane. So, I ask you how to cope. Am I alone feeling like nothing really matters anymore? Is it just a free-for-all? I wish I had someone to walk with holding hands and feeling again, someone who can relate and gently tell me everything is going to be OK.

— Done With It

DEAR DONE WITH IT » No matter how blessed or fortunate we are in life, it’s not abnormal to feel down from time to time — especially considering the difficulties we’ve all faced these last few years. But just because the world is full of angry people doesn’t mean you have to be one of them.

The best cure for loneliness is fulfillment. Find some hobbies or volunteer work to fill your days and get involved in giving back. Being part of the good in your community might help adjust your current outlook on life. If possible, maximize your time around your kids and grandkids. Perhaps online dating or joining a group or club might lead you to the companionship you seek. Try to find the good in every day, no matter how small. There is so much to be thankful for.

DEAR ANNIE » I grew up in an extremely abusive household with a functioning (mean, abusive) alcoholic for a mother. Because of the poor examples I had as a child, I ended up becoming a functioning addict in an abusive relationship of my own. Over the years, I found my way into recovery and therapy, which led to me making some drastic changes in myself. I’m now in a healthy relationship and have turned my life around. I have forgiven people who have never asked for, nor deserved, my forgiveness; I had to in order to heal.

The problem is that my mother continues to deny any responsibility for her own actions. If she took accountability for her actions, it would mean she’s wrong, and she’s NEVER wrong. It’s making it really hard to forgive her, which makes it hard to start the healing process. On one hand, I want to cut all contact, but in my heart, I keep hoping she’ll change and, beyond that, she’s my mom. What should I do?!

— Trying to Heal

DEAR TRYING TO HEAL » It is incredibly difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry. But, as you seem to know, it is essential to your own healing.

Your mother may never change. It’s up to you to decide the effect her behavior will have on your life. Do you want to hold onto your anger, or do you want peace?

Follow the advice of Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh: “Forgiveness is difficult; even if you want to forgive, you cannot. If he or she has made you suffer so, so many times, even after you have warned him or her, it’s difficult to forgive. But if you can understand the suffering, the deep suffering in him or her, and see that they have been the number one victim of their own suffering, the situation becomes different: you can forgive more easily.”

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.