Good friend insists on reciprocating gifts

DEAR ANNIE >> I have a longtime friend who has serious trouble with gifts. It is very difficult to give her anything because she insists on “evening the score” by responding with a gift back to the giver. For instance, we comfortably exchanged token holiday gifts at my place, but my husband learned she liked a certain special candy we had on hand, so he gave her a box. She tried to turn down this gift and even checked on her phone to see what it had cost.

Two days later, she showed up at our condo with a beautiful but unexpected handmade item she had just created for us (she is a very talented crafter). She also will always slip me a $20 bill whenever I drive us to an event to which we are going anyway and that’s 25 minutes away. If I say “thanks, but no need,” she will hide it in my purse or tuck it somewhere I will discover later.

This makes me very uncomfortable as it seems she can’t accept a present of any kind if she feels she is beholden. I have thanked her and told her this is unnecessary (especially the gas money, as I have an electric car!), but this is a real issue with her that is getting worse. By the way, she is like this with everyone and showers her family with items although they have asked her to stop. I’m beginning to not want to go places with her, and any casual gift-giving is fraught with anxiety. Any suggestions?

— Awkward in Florida

DEAR AWKWARD >> Your friend’s adamant reciprocation seems unnecessary and, indeed, awkward, but I have to imagine it’s coming from a heartfelt and genuine place.

The next time you find yourself in one of these gift-giving dances with her, try having a serious oneon-one talk about how it makes you feel. Maybe she just needs a reminder that real, meaningful relationships aren’t transactional. It might be better for your friendship if you two start showing your love for each other in nonmaterial ways.

DEAR ANNIE >> I am a survivor of some rather extreme physical and sexual abuse. Most people do not know this about me because it’s obviously not the kind of thing you tell many people. My issue is this: I don’t like to be touched and especially do not like to be hugged. It’s different if it’s my kids or my husband, but I really don’t like other people hugging me. I’ve had to just sort of deal with it so people don’t think I’m rude, cold or just don’t like them.

What’s the best way to navigate unwanted touching? I’ve considered a hazmat suit... Any advice would be helpful!

— Hates Hugs

DEAR HATES HUGS >> Firmly and confidently communicate your boundaries. It shouldn’t matter why you don’t want to be touched: If you say no, the answer is no. A wave or quick handshake, if you’re open to it, should certainly suffice as a way to greet someone or leave a social setting.

At the end of the day, your true friends will respect your wishes and your space, no questions asked.

DEAR ANNIE >> I have been dating my boyfriend for four years and am very lucky to call him mine. He loves me well, gets along with everyone he meets and is very giving.

His mother, on the other hand, is a taker, financially and emotionally. She hates her job and where she lives but is not willing to make a change. She relies on her two sons emotionally, calling them multiple times a week to complain about her job and life in her town. Family vacations are a drag due to the conversation being dominated by her constant discussion of her weight or fancy dinners she suggests but never picks up the tab for.

I’ve mentioned my concerns to my partner, and he validates them but is not willing to talk with his mother.

I’m happy to have a conversation with his mother, more along the line of how therapy would be a great resource (I’ve done it before and it rocks), but I do not want to overstep. I fear the boundaries I’m beginning to put up are going to pull my family away from her in the future if she doesn’t seek help. — Hope to Help

DEAR HOPE TO HELP >> I can hear the frustration in your words, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling torn between wanting to help and not wanting to overstep boundaries.

Expressing your concerns to your partner — and having him validate them — is a great first step, even if he’s not quite ready to address his mother directly.

In the meantime, consider having a gentle and non-confrontational conversation with your partner’s mother.

Next time she brings up something she’s unhappy with in her life, tell her how much you have found therapy to be a helpful resource. Opening up about your own experience with therapy might be enough to encourage her to give it a try.