Believing in heaven provides comfort, hope
Rabbi Marc Gellman
Question: You wrote almost a year ago about your deep personal loss with the death of Father Tom Hartman. I wrote some time ago in response to a question you asked in one of your columns about the one question we would ask if guaranteed a truthful answer. Your loss of ‘Tommy’ raises one that has bothered me for years. Is the loss of a good friend or human connection more devastating, or less, depending upon whether the survivor does or does not believe in some kind of survival of the essence of the departed? — R from Wilmington, N.C.
Answer: As the first anniversary of his passing approaches in February I find myself thinking much more about him than I did right after his death. For years I have counseled mourners not to expect substantial and palpable and enduring healing from the death of true loved ones for at least a year after their passing. Now I am feeling that wisdom in my own soul.
I also have given great thought to your deep question. What I like most about your question is that it is not focused on the impenetrable mystery of what actually happens to us after death. It is rather a question about whether mourners who believe in life after death have an easier time with their grief than do those mourners who believe that the only things awaiting us after death are worms. I love this question even though it is a question about psychology more than a question about theology, and therefore the evidence needed to answer it comes more from data than from the divine. I do not know what the actual empirical evidence is about the grief work of those who believe in life after death versus those who do not, but this does not stop me from having a very strong opinion about your question.
I believe absolutely and without a doubt that believing in Heaven helps you cope with the death of a loved one more than believing that this life of ours is all we have. I have seen it. I have seen a mourning husband scream at the edge of his wife’s grave, “Hold on Honey, I’m coming. I will be with you soon.”
Does it matter if these words are true? Yes, it matters in some ultimate theological accounting. But it does not matter at all if what we are seeking is comfort after the death of one we have loved more than life itself. I believe that the main reason that people are religious is their fear of death — the fear of their own death, but far more so their fear of the death of those they love. The atheist critique that all this is just magical thinking on the part of people too weak to accept the true limits of life may indeed be correct. I also have known people who did not believe in life after death and who nonetheless have faced death with courage and serenity. The ultimate answer to all this comes from a place where the cell phone service to call home is really bad. What I do know is that although Heaven can wait, the belief in Heaven cannot wait because after death our broken souls desperately need the embrace of everlasting hope.