Visiting brother-in-law skimps on family time
Carolyn Hax
Question: I have been married 10 years and have two children, 7 and 9. We have no family in our city and I have very few family members still alive. My husband has a larger family but they are not very close. My kids love being around extended family, but we do not have the money to travel and his family rarely visits.
My brother-in-law comes to visit every couple of years. He usually just comes for the weekend and only spends the fifirst day with us. On the second he goes into town to go out to lunch and shop by himself.
I fifind this incredibly rude. We clear our very busy schedule to spend time with him and then he goes out and makes it clear he doesn’t want us to join him.
My husband thinks there is nothing rude or inconsiderate about this behavior. I couldn’t disagree more. He never tells us what his plans are prior to his arrival, which maybe would make it better. My kids don’t understand why we can’t do something together, and I can’t even explain without making him sound bad. He is middle-age, single with no children; it’s not like he’s a 20-something going out to party!
Do you think I’m expecting too much from a houseguest or is this totally rude?? — Anonymous
Answer: You are expecting too much from a houseguest.
More important, though: You’re expecting way too much from one uncle, who by himself can’t possibly satisfy your kids’ — i.e., your — entire (valid) craving for extended family in fifive visits per decade, not even with that second day. It’s unfair to him to expect him to.
Your opening paragraph is telling: Not only does it explain your obstacles to having something you value deeply, but it also has virtually no bearing on what relatives are or aren’t obligated to do when accepting your hospitality.
Is it less than ideal for him to use your family as home base while he extracts what he wants from your city? Sure. However, my concern is more that he doesn’t communicate with you about his intentions; some hosts wish their guests would be somewhat independent, after all, meaning there’s an element of personal preference here, plus you mention clearing your schedules. These suggest a simple pre-visit email or conversation could preempt some hard feelings.
“Suggests” being the operative word: That he does that same thing every visit means you’re beyond needing an email to notify you of his plans. You have all the information you need to prepare yourselves to share only the one day with him.
Since you keep hoping for more anyway, and blaming him when those hopes are dashed, that says your outrage at this point isn’t a reaction, it’s a choice.
Please make a difffffffffffferent one, for everyone’s sake. Choose not to see this uncle as your kids’ best hope for family, and instead see him as the one-day visitor he is. Tell your kids exactly that when they ask. “[Shrug.] It’s what he always does.” No further explanation needed. Except maybe to give him credit for visiting, right?
And, more important, see this as the push you need to fifind other ways to experience family. Or, “family” — since creating community sometimes means leaving the tree.
RAICHUALOVESONG22
When I was struggling to fifind a job, my dad insisted that the only way it was going to happen is if I go out and “pound the pavement” and demanded I try do it. I tried on several occasions and never made it past the front desk because literally no one wants you to do that.
But when I scoured the internet for jobs and created a simple system of scheduling and following up, I got a temp position that led to a full time job at a good company.
]LAEIRYN
“You won’t know real happiness until you have children.”
IMACLUBPROHERE
Talking to my dad recently, he was going on about “participation trophies.” When I pointed out that we wouldn’t have received said participation trophies had his generation not invented them, his response was: “Yep, that’s another problem with your generation. Always blaming your faults on other people.”
AVATARWAANG
Not exactly advice, but this feels like the perfect place:
I take out my phone to send a quick text at a family junction, and my elderly relative looks up from her 3-hour Candy Crush session to loudly complain about how millennials are always on their phones and don’t know how to live without technology but what she’s doing is important, or just checking real quick.
Basically, to them, anything we do in our phones is just playing with it, anything they do is important business.
GRUNT9101
The whole pick yourself up by your bootstraps schpiel. The “I started with nothing and now I’m successful.”
Great, I wish I started with nothing. I’m starting with 40,000 dollars in student loan debt and a degree everyone in my life told me to get but no one wants, which forces me to work a job that in your day paid enough starting to support a family of four and a house and a car, but for me can barely cover rent. Yeah i wish I was lucky enough to start with nothing.
SQUIDSPEAKERR
“Go out s i de, ge t s ome fresh air! Your mental i l l - ness is just in your head! Laugh and smile more, you’ll be fifine.”
From a family member. 4 years of therapy in and I still struggle daily.
“Find a woman you can stand, and start a family with her as soon as you can. You’ll grow to love each other.
That’s how me and the wife did it.” — my late 50s co-worker to me when I was 17 years old.