13 questions to ask before marrying
When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.
Whether because of shyness, disinterest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the diffifficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.
The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.
1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
A relationship’s success is based on how difffffffffffferences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them,Pearson said.
2 . Wil l we h ave c h i l - dren, and if we do, will you change diapers?
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
5. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of fifinancial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator.
6. Can you deal with my doing things without you? Having difffffffffffferent friends or hobbies?
7. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
8. Do we like each other’s parents?
9. How important is sex to you?
Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills).
10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography OK?
11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love L anguages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach, hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, qualit y time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them.
12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough t o j ust “c l i c k together,” as many couples describe their relationship.
13. How do you see us 10 years from now?
Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to many experts.
This discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.