Welcome to Florida, home of the pistol-packin’ pooches

Frank Cerabino

A Florida man told police that his dog shot his sleeping girlfriend. I believe it. Normally, I’m skeptical of elaborate explanations of seemingly simple events.

The undisputed facts seem clear: Brian Murphy, 25, was sharing a Jacksonville house with his girlfriend, Summer Miracle. While sleeping in their bed late one night last month, Miracle woke up with a burning sensation in her right leg, which turned out to be a bullet wound.

It’s Murphy’s gun. There are no intruders or other people to blame.

Ergo: Murphy must have shot his girlfriend.

Not so fast. There’s another mammal to account for in the house: Murphy’s dog, Diesel.

Am I saying that the dog shot the woman? Absolutely. This is Florida. As a student of dog-perp shootings in Florida, I’ve already placed the shooting of Summer Miracle on my blotter of Fido firearm carnage.

Let’s see, there’s Jerry Allen Bradford, the Pensacola man who was shot in the wrist with his own gun 13 years ago by a German shepherd puppy he was holding in his other hand. Then there’s a Lee County woman who was shot six years later by another dog that reached for her gun.

Two other Florida men — Billy E. Brown, in Pasco County, and Gregory Dale Lanier, in Highlands County — were each shot by their dogs in 2011 and 2013, respectively.

In both cases, the men were driving pickup trucks with loaded weapons on the seats, and their dogs simply walked on the trigger of the guns, shooting both men in their legs.

So it happens. We’ve got lots of guns and lots of ... er, well ... what’s the kind word here? Floridians.

Which is why I believe Murphy’s explanation to police — that after taking Diesel for a late-night walk, the dog bounded into the bedroom and got its paws on the loaded handgun on the bed’s nightstand. A round went off and it struck his girlfriend.

Perfectly plausible for Florida. And that’s not just me talking.

Two years ago, The Washington Post did a survey of shootings committed by dogs. It turns out that about once a year, a dog in America will shoot a person. According the newspaper’s data, the four aggravating factors for predict- ing dog-perp gun violence are: (a) happened while hunting; (b) happened in car; (c) happened in boat; and (d) happened in Florida.

“Florida appears to be home to several more of these accidents,” the story pointed out.

Yeah, and there’s no telling how many times it was never reported because the dog shot and missed, or the human victim was too embarrassed to phone it in to 911.

“Yeah, my dog shot me. No, I’m not kidding. ... My dog. Yes, my dog. ... What’s so funny? ... No, I won’t say it again for the speaker phone. Never mind.”

So I have a simple regula-