The president, FBI director sit down for dinner, chat
Maureen Dowd
You knew there had to be a tape of the Infamous Dinner.
Fortuitously, it popped up in my mailbox this past weekend. And here’s a transcript from that fateful wintry meeting between FBI Director James Comey and Donald Trump at the White House, seven days after the president was sworn in:
Trump: I’m so glad you called and asked to come over, James.
Comey: I would never call to invite myself over, Mr. President. I feel uneasy being here. I refused to play basketball with President Obama, even though I knew I could dunk over him, for fear of seeming too chummy. As FBI director, I have to stay above the political fray.
Trump: Are you kidding me? Who is more political than you? With all your wacky meddling in the election.
Comey: Mr. President, I cannot let politics affect my decisions because if I ever start considering who might be affected by what we do, we’re done.
Trump: Let me press my cool red button. Vlad gave it to me. I use it to ring my butler for Diet Cokes.
Comey: Have you thought about Weight Watchers?
Trump: I love Oprah but I think I look phenomenal.
I am really, really good looking. You look good, too. What are you, 6-foot8, 6-foot-9? Don’t be a showboat. Don’t be a grandstander. That’s my shtick. Have some salad. I always do Thousand Island.
Comey: Isn’t Thousand Island the same as Russian dressing?
Trump: I’m glad you brought that up. I would like you to tell me three times, before the cock crows, that I am not under investigation for working with Russia to defeat Hillary. I have to know you’re my guy.
Comey: I am not your guy, Mr. President. I’m America’s guy. I can pledge my honesty to you.
Trump: You should try truthful hyperbole or just make stuff up. Look how well that worked for me. Did it ever occur to you that your wacky, neurotic, dopey bouts of piety and vanity during the campaign broke FBI rules and ruined your reputation? You’ll be lucky if I decide to let you stay.
Comey: I worry that you don’t have the slightest understanding of how our democracy works. Everyone thinks you’re off your rocker.
Trump: That’s funny, because I think there’s something off about you.
Comey: It makes me mildly nauseous to think I could have helped make you president.
Trump: You didn’t. I made myself president. Now, James, I need you to forget about this Russia thing with Trump. Russia is a made-up story — with a few exceptions. I need you to drop that goofy investigation and start priming the pump on investigating the leaks in your shop and in the CIA that hurt Trump.
Comey: But no one leaks more than you. You are your own Deep Throat. There have been rumors that you have been taping people since the ’80s. Are you taping this conversation?
Trump: I have nothing further to add on that.
I’ve got an idea! See that 60-inch flat-screen TV I put in? Why don’t you stay and watch me watch Bill O’Reilly and then I’ll flip to CNN and you can watch me hate-watch that dummy Don Lemon and then I’ll pretend I didn’t. And don’t forget: If you’re not loyal, you might look up at a TV one day and find out you’re fired.