Arming teachers is a half-baked non-starter for our schools

Dear Parents, Students and Teachers:

As your principal, I am writing this newsletter to keep you all abreast of the exciting things going on at our school:

Armed teachers wanted

Due to a recent national initiative, we along with other schools have been directed to arm at least 20 percent of our teachers. We are having trouble meeting this goal and are still looking for teacher volunteers.

Don’t be shy, teachers. If

“Ms J,” the partially blind Language Arts teacher with the heart murmur, can do it, you can, too.

This is an exciting opportunity for you to earn some bonus money. The offer is open to all teachers without a felony conviction, a documented confinement in a mental health facility or a history of working the car pickup-and-dropoff line at the school.

Bake sale

The school will be conducting this major fundraiser all week. Please show your school spirit by buying a cake, cupcakes or any of the other delicious baked goods that have been donated.

Since corporate tax cuts and incentives on both the federal and state level have left public coffers bare, lawmakers have designated school bake sales as the primary funding source for the armed-teacher bonus program.

Be that good guy with a bun, helping a good teacher with a gun.

Donations wanted

Parents, it’s never too late to help support teachers, who frequently have to dip into their own pockets to pay for school supplies.

If you’re looking to donate items, teachers say they can always use rolls of paper towels, hand sanitizer dispensers, reams of copy paper, highlighters in all colors, and small-arms ammunition (no hollow points, please).

Track meet rescheduled

Last week’s suspended track meet at our school has been rescheduled for Tuesday.

In a related development, the Florida High School Athletic Association has decided that school track meets will no longer use starter pistols to signal the start of races. As you know, it was a starter pistol that triggered an unfortunate Code

Red moments after the start of

the 800-meter JV race last week.

Lucky for us, no shots fired hit anybody. The shooter, a misguided AP World History teacher with limited history in the U.S. Coast Guard, has since been reassigned to cafeteria duty.

The FHSAA, in consultation with the teachers’ union, have agreed to allow our coach to shake a tambourine to signal the start of running races in future meets.

“Name the Mascot” contest results

Rex the Mighty Duck — 125 votes

Lucky the Duck — 454 votes

Duck-n-Cover — 1,896 votes

Reward offered

Hey, students! Would you like to have $100 in cash? Handed over immediately, no questions asked? And maybe a little extra credit applied to the class of your choice?

Cash in now before the locker searches begin!

Why end up with detention when you can get $100 instead? OK, we’ll throw in a $25 Starbucks card, too.

If you have this certain item (rhymes with “bloated sun”) that was unfortunately removed while hanging from a stall door in the teacher’s restroom on Monday, your time to cash in is now.

Community service hours opportunities

The local police department will be here again next week conducting another mass casualty drill. For those students who need community-service hours, there are numerous roles to be played.

In an unrelated opportunity, you can also get two hours of community service by helping the media center director throw out all the books.

Legal corner

Our armed teachers are reminded to attend a mandatory meeting led by the district’s legal affairs office. Topics will include “When Saying ‘Please Stand for the Pledge’ Constitutes a Threat” and the “Dos and Don’ts of Unholstering a Weapon To Find Out Who in the Back of the Room is Talking.”

The eight-hour session will be held on Saturday. Teachers will be compensated in bonus pay or, if not available, unsold bake sale items.