Fear not, Mr. Trump, we’ll parade on Military Trail
Frank Cerabino: You talk about cost savings! And we can scare up weaponry from the gun shops and still get you to your round of golf.
News item: President Donald Trump announced that he was postponing his plan to hold a military parade in Washington in November.
Trump had announced in February that he wanted a grand military parade “up and down Pennsylvania Avenue” that would feature “a lot of plane flyovers.” And he ordered the Department of Defense to make plans.
Members of Congress in both parties called the idea unseemly and evocative of a Third World dictatorship. But Trump persisted until this month, when the expected tab for the parade went from its initial estimate of $12 million to $92 million, according to published reports.
Trump blamed local officials for the giant increase in cost, even though those local costs were a small fraction of the total costs.
“When asked to give us a price for holding a great celebratory military parade, they wanted a number so ridiculously high that I canceled it,” the president announced on Twitter.
Dear Mr. President:
Fret not. We’ve got your parade. Right here in Palm Beach County.
Instead of a military parade in November, we are offering you something better.
Yes, I’m talking about a Military Trail Parade.
Think of the pageantry, the pomp, the circumstance and a viewing stand being within aroma distance of the KFC at the corner of Belvedere Road.
You want flyovers? We got flyovers.
I’m sure we can arrange JetBlue flights from New York coming in for a landing at Palm Beach International Airport to make a brief detour to dip their wings in salute over the Hustler store near the corner of Okeechobee Boulevard.
You want to feel like a king? We’ve got two Tire Kingdoms on the parade route. How’s that for being aligned and balanced?
It will be refreshing for you to step away from the pressures of Washington by saying goodbye to the West Wing and hello to Westgate.
The parade route will be a short, convenient ride from your weekend digs at Mar-a-Lago. It’s so convenient, you’ll be done in time for your customary round of weekend golf.
You’ll be happy to know that in our planning, we’ve made a conscious effort to keep Congress Avenue out of the loop.
And we can assure you that there are absolutely no plans to change the name of the body shop along the route from “Collision 2000” to “Collusion 2016.”
As for a display of firepower, this is Florida. I’m sure we can scare up some impressive weaponry, especially considering that there are three gun shops on Military Trail along the West Palm Beach parade route.
As the chairman of the organization formed to make this event happen, FAKE PARADE — Facing Acute King Envy, Parades Accentuate Regressive Ambitions of Despot Empowerment — I am happy to report that there’s great interest in your Military Trail Parade.
You’d be surprised how many people want to take to the streets just at the mention of your name.
I’ve already lined up several possible parade entries.
Some, of course, will be subject to change. For example, we have penciled in a “Blacks for Trump” contingent, but he may have a conflict that day. So we’re calling that a maybe.
We’re also counting on the local lodge of the Veterans of Bone Spur Deferments, who say they will try to reschedule their 5K run in order to march in the parade.
The best thing about the Military Trail Parade is that it would be affordable.
And whatever it costs, I’m sure all those Mar-aLago Club members who got a tax windfall this year would be happy to finance your parade.
If not, well, there’s always getting Mexico to pay for it.