Resolutions 2021
Are you one of those scary people who keep New Year’s resolutions?
Then you should skip this column and return to Planet Jenny Craig, from whence you came.
If, however, you have given up all hope of achieving such goals, let me be the first to encourage you. A decade ago, I discovered a unique approach that revolutionized the agony of New Year’s Day.
I learned to make only resolutions I will keep. Need examples? Please note the effortless beauty of the following:
• I promise I will not mow our lawn in January.
• I will give up earmuffs for the Fourth of July.
See? Simple. Profound. And free. (You only pay for shipping.)
So if you truly want to enjoy the New Year, join me in formulating resolutions whose success rates will leave those of Jenny Craig aliens panting in interplanetary dust. Resolutions such as:
• I will refrain from topping my waffles with pickles.
• I will, however, break world s’more records, as our children gave us a patio firepit for Christmas. I do not make this vow for personal gain — though my bathroom scales would declare otherwise. No, because this mother wants to make her children happy, no sacrifice is too great.
• My next resolution should prove doable for 95 percent of the world’s population: I will blame COVID 19 for everything. Conventional therapy often points fingers at spouses, parents, kids and in-laws. Instead, we should blame COVID. This is cheaper and less complicated, as no virus yet has been named in a lawsuit or divorce.
• Speaking of COVID, I also resolve to wear a mask in public. Even if most are designed to fit your average antelope.
• Still, though they cannot see it, I will greet all checkout personnel and other shoppers with a smile.
• If the pandemic endures, I will continue my role of Invisible Pick-up Customer. Despite reservations, confirming emails, receipts, pickup signs and angels blowing trumpets where I park, I will continue to elude pickup personnel at each and every store. (Note to self: Should I rethink the angel strategy? Whenever the heavenly being begins his script, “Behold! here is Rachael Phillips’ dirty white Ford —” those toting groceries vanish.)
• Out of deep concern for the local economy, I will order take-out. Three times a day.
• If I do cook, I will wreck the kitchen beyond recognition. And permit Hubby to clean it up.
• In 2021, I will talk to my microwave more than I talk to humans. Which probably is good, because mostly, I yell at it to shut up.
• I resolve to snore, rattling the walls every night of 2021. If not sufficient to keep my spouse listening for burglars, I will run cold toes up and down his calves like fingers on a piano. Someday, he will thank me for keeping us safe. Really.
• In a sort of related vein, I resolve not to camp in Dead Women Crossing, Oklahoma.
• I will continue to brighten the days of IT personnel and car mechanics with the astute diagnostic phrase, “It doesn’t work.”
• I will regard all device updates as tools of the devil and Russia.
• I will not lift my car to clean its underside.
• I resolve to write in cursive, though my grandchildren believe I am using hieroglyphics. Not surprising, from their point of view, as I helped build the Pyramids.
• Finally, I will stumble through playing and singing one praise song daily, thankful that my childhood dog, who howled epithets when I sang, no longer critiques me. Fortunately, Jesus and Hubby, who listen every day, like it.
Having shared my innovative approach to making New Year’s resolutions, I hope my list of examples has aided those who struggle, making their process easier and more rewarding in 2021.
Now, about those shipping costs. …