COMMENTARY: Gender-neutral personal pronouns offer you/ me/us an opportunity to support he/she/them

"I don't get it."

"I don't understand."

"This is so confusing and unnecessary." These are responses from my readers regarding gender-neutral singular personal pronoun usage, also known as "neopronouns," such as he/him/they, she/her/them, and they/them/their.

For those of us who were raised learning traditional personal pronouns limited to the gender binary, such as "he" and "she," this progressive language with new self-descriptors can feel overwhelming and a bit embarrassing. For me, the most conspicuous usage is in email signatures from readers, sources, and colleagues.

For example, a recent email I received from Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice with the American Civil Liberties Union. His pronouns are "he/him or they/them."

I've been seeing this trend for a few years but especially over the past year as a way to help normalize the use of gender-neutral pronouns for people who don't align with the traditional he or she. For this population, which may consider themselves gender fluid, it's not just about words and wokeness, as critics insist. It's about self-identity and social awakening.

"I honestly believe it saves lives, especially with kids," said Carrie Sovola, of Schererville, a Lutheran deaconess with a ministry in the LGBTQ+ community.

"Expressing my personal pronouns are important to show my support for transgender/non-binary folks," she said. "It's an easy way to show support, even if you don't know how to talk about it."

As with any social movement, people fear what they don't understand. This evolving topic can be perplexing for those of us who don't quite understand nuanced complexities about personal pronouns that once seemed so simple and straightforward.

"They first have to care," Sovola said. People need rules, she

said, and when the safety of established rules is threatened, it's easier for us to disapprove something new rather than have an uncomfortable conversation about it. We've seen this time and again with issues and movements that threaten or change social norms, such as racial equality and social justice.

Today's column may be the beginning of an uncomfortable conversation for some readers who are quick to criticize what they don't understand or don't wish to understand. Yet it's a conversation that is badly needed and long overdue.

"Using appropriate pronouns allows you to show basic respect," said Simon Anderson Schelling, who chairs the LGBTQ Outreach of Porter County. "When pronouns and correct names are used for the LGBTQ+ community, it will enable them the ability to be their authentic self."

"The example I like to give is when you meet someone whose name is Sara, but you call them Joy. It shows a lack of interest in knowing that person, and diminishes their value," said Schelling, (he/him), 37, of Valparaiso.

For some people, gender neutral pronouns better align with their gender identity, offering a social shortcut that speaks to who they are, not who we think they are.

"Referring to them by the wrong pronoun is hurtful, disrespectful and just wrong, especially to those who are trans," an empathetic reader explained to me. "It's something they have struggled with throughout their lives while dodging suicide and bullies. They finally had the courage to show their true colors."

Although these colors may smudge our paint-by-number pallet of understanding, the canvas of this topic is continually expanding and updating. Last week I received the latest Associated Press Stylebook update on personal pronouns, gender, sex and sexual orientation. (Read the entire list on my Facebook page, at https://www.facebook. com/jerdavich/.)

"As much as possible, AP uses they/them/ their as a way of accurately describing and representing a person who uses those pronouns for themselves," the email update states. "Growing numbers of people, including some transgender, nonbinary, agender or gender-fluid people, use they/them/ their as a gender-neutral singular personal pronoun."

"Do not presume maleness in constructing a sentence by defaulting to he/his/him," the update instructs journalists. "When necessary, use they rather than he/ she or he or she for an unspecified or unknown gender (a person, the victim, the winner) or indefinite pronoun (anyone, everyone, someone)."

Yes, it can seem confusing. But nothing like the confusion facing people who struggle to find their identity and their truth in a world that has little tolerance for progressive social norms.

"As a trans adult and a parent myself, it's agonizing to know what trans children are facing right now," Strangio said. "Trans youth are experiencing adults leveraging their positions of power to threaten their family, health, safety, and life."

Adolescence is difficult enough without these added assaults, though it may seem like many kids today are trying on new pronouns like new pants, to see which one fits best. I have a teenage relative going through this.

"She goes by a ton of these pronouns. I can't keep up," her stepmother told me.

This is how many of us feel with this issue. We can't keep up. We must keep trying, I say. This column is my attempt to learn and to teach.

"I think a safe way to start to understand is to attend a PFLAG meeting and talk about it," Sovola said, noting there are chapters in communities across Northwest Indiana and the Chicagoland area.

"Language around gender is ever-evolving," the AP Stylebook states. "Experts say gender is a spectrum, not a binary structure consisting of only males and females, which can vary by society and change over time. Not all people fall under one of two categories for sex or gender."

A social media reader of mine asked, "How are we supposed to know which acknowledged pronoun to call someone?"

Sovola offered the perfect response: "Ask them."