Ill-mannered host makes guest feel disrespected
DEAR HARRIETTE: For the past few years, I have hung out with a small group of people in our sleepy summer community. During the COVID-19 pandemic, the group was really small for health purposes. I like most of the people, but one woman rubs me the wrong way. We are all still loosely connected, mainly because it's a small place.
I went over to this woman's house a couple of weeks ago, and it was like deja vu. She was acting so obnoxious and rude. I felt singled out, though I know this is her nature. She and her husband have a lot of money, and they like to make sure people remember it. She will pour drinks for some and allocate less or none for others. It sounds pretty juvenile, and I suppose it is, but in the moment, it is unnerving. Why invite me over your house if you are going to regulate what I eat and drink? I don't like it.
One friend told me to suck it up; that's just how she is. If I want to drink good wine and hang out in a chic environment, I should ignore her when she disses me.
I'm not sure I want to do that. Would I be wrong to step out of the tight circle, at least as it relates to her? — Closed Circle
DEAR CLOSED CIRCLE: Nobody is forcing you to spend time with someone who disrespects you. It sounds like you, and possibly others, tolerate this woman's bad manners because you enjoy the setting, good wine and good food. If you can continue to accept that tradeoff, go for it. But your tolerance for her behavior has clearly waned.
The short answer is that you do not need to keep showing up for social hour with her and her husband if they don't treat you well. You can decline those invitations. When you go to social gatherings not organized by this couple where they turn on their unique, nauseating charm, you can turn on your heels and walk away from them and enjoy the company of others in the group.
You could make a scene and call them on their behavior, too, but that may ostracize you from the whole group. Ignoring them and focusing on the people you enjoy may be the easier solution.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine recently met another one of my friends. It looks like they are going to start dating. Their meeting had nothing to do with me, but I am happy for them. They are both good people. The thing is, I know that my friend has a sexually transmitted disease. She told me years ago and swore me to secrecy. Now that she is about to date my friend, I feel like it's my responsibility to tell him. What if he catches it from her? I would feel horrible if somebody withheld information like that from me. But I also know that this is none of my business. It is such a private matter. Do I have the right to say anything about it? What should I do? — Keeping a Secret
DEAR KEEPING A SECRET: It is not your place to reveal your friend's health status. What you can do is speak directly to her and remind her that you know about it. Ask her if she plans to tell him. Encourage her to be honest with him before getting intimate.