Friend wants to reach out to fickle woman
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I went to an event and saw a lot of people I haven't seen for a long time. One woman was very friendly, which was nice, but caught me off guard. She is what my mother calls "sometime-y." Sometimes she knows me, and sometimes she doesn't.
On that day she saw me and thought she would even give me a hug. She is an important person in my social and professional circles, so I appreciated the acknowledgment, but I don't want to make the mistake of thinking she likes me now — there have been too many occasions when I was invisible to her. I do think it might be wise for me to make some kind of meaningful follow-up while I'm still on her mind. I don't have a project right now to talk about, though, so I'm not sure what to say if I reach out to her. What do you think? — Wanting a Connection
DEAR WANTING A CONNECTION:
You already know that this person does not choose to see you all the time. Don't forget what you know. If you think it's beneficial for you to have a cordial relationship with her, you can send an email or text — depending on how you usually communicate with her — saying it was nice to see her again. Say something about the event, and leave it at that. Don't ask for anything. Be pleasant and confident. And do not expect anything in return.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I keep a journal. I have for decades. It's the way that I get my emotions out and deal with my issues. In the past, any boyfriend I've had knew that my journals were off-limits. I trusted that nobody would look at them. Well, that changed recently. My relatively new boyfriend was at my house one afternoon when I wasn't there. When I got home, I saw that he had gone through my journals. Worse, he confronted me about something he read in one of them. It wasn't about him. It was about a previous relationship and some of the details of what went wrong. He read a particularly raw entry and got mad at me about the content. I immediately threw him out, telling him he had broken a confidence and it was over. To me, that was a clear violation of trust.
I am unwilling to stop journaling in order to protect myself from his prying eyes, nor am I willing to talk to my boyfriend about my past relationships, so what else is left? That's why I dumped him. He thinks I'm nuts for being so extreme. What do you think? — Crossed the Line
DEAR CROSSED THE LINE:
How much do you like this man? Is he worth your forgiveness? While this is a clear violation of trust, it doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker. It depends on how much you care for him and whether you think it's possible for him to avoid ever crossing that line again.
It's also important for you to determine whether you can be with someone who knows intimate details about your life. While it was wrong for him to read your journal, you should think about what it would mean for a partner to really know your story.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.