Taking Things Personally
Taking Things Personally: The Feather and The Baseball Bat
Imagine for a moment you greeted people in your life by handing them a feather and a baseball bat. The more you care about them, or the role they play in your life, you might hand them a bigger feather and a huge baseball bat.
So, now you are at the grocery store and you bump into a neighbor who is influential in your child’s school. You would like to nurture a positive relationship with this person. You — unconsciously — hand over the feather and the baseball bat. You turn on that sweet smile and offer your nicest comments. They respond as you desire, pulling out the feather and stroking you sweetly on a deep emotional level.
You feel awesome. You feel like a winner. You smile inside, knowing — for a moment — you definitely are a good person. And, you made a good impression. which you believe will serve your daugh- ter. Oh, does that feather feel so soft and loving.
Next, you are off to the bank, seeking that new loan for the house you are building. Of course, you bring along your feather and your baseball bat. You sit with the loan officer, who seems a bit immune to your smiles and niceness. There is no feather. Instead, you start to feel the twinge of the baseball bat. It’s painful, and you tell yourself that this person is a real jerk and that they shouldn’t be in this position. It hurts because they don’t see your goodness.
Before it gets too painful, you remind yourself you have two other options and you leave, a bit wounded. The relationship wasn’t that important, yet, in your mind, you can’t seem to forget the exchange very easily. The pain of the baseball bat, while minimal, still stings.
As you walk out, your mom calls. She has the HUGE feather and baseball bat, of course. She starts to complain about your father and quickly notes the ‘ two of you are just alike.’ Then, she proceeds to offer examples of how you both fail to meet her standards. She tells you your children don’t listen because you are undisciplined and don’t seem to care enough to change.
She continues, and all you feel is the pain of the baseball bat slamming your heart, so anger rises and the two of you are at it. The more she hits you with that bat, the more you hit back. It’s ugly.
Life torture
As children, we are often taught to try to please others, particularly those close to us. If the environment is reactive, with lots of negative emotions or abuse, many children learn to surrender their creative or true interests in service of trying to keep harmony, to avoid being hit or yelled at. It doesn’t feel good to have mom or dad get angry, and that little brain can’t help but conclude that ‘Something is wrong with me’ when mom or dad yells or smacks them. Thus, a smart little brain begins to bend their true self to try to keep others happy.
The same happens in a less dysfunctional home. While parents may not be abusive, they can withdraw their love, show disappointment and use guilt or shame to try to manipulate children into better behavior. In the end, children often still learn some version of “I am naturally responsible for mom or dad’s happiness, as I seem to easily take it away if I make a mistake and can give happiness if I smile and I am good.”
Thus, we learn to take other’s reactions personally. We learn to stake our emotional condition on other’s emotional states. We surrender our well-being to the pathology that others carry around with them, and then we blame them.
As children, we didn’t have a choice. Now we do. We can keep being tortured, or we can be free.
How Picasso sees you
If Picasso did a portrait of you, you would look at it and say, ‘ That doesn’t look like me.” He might say, “But that’s how I see you, my friend.”
This is reality. It’s the way the world works. How others see you is always a distortion; it just depends on how much distortion there is at a particular moment. This is affected by an infinite number of factors beyond your control, including their hormones, their blood sugar, how they were raised, their genetics, whether they had an argument a moment ago, their education, their experiences with others like you … and the list goes on. It is infinite, and all of it is out of your control.
Thus, free yourself. Throw away the feather and the baseball bat, and just be yourself. Trust your innate goodness, and let that be enough.
When you do so, you no longer bend yourself to try to manipulate the moment. Suddenly, you don’t need to worry the baseball bat, because you also don’t need the feather.
It is torture to seek approval and harmony, rather than just being yourself. In trusting that innate goodness, you can be loving, kind and have integrity … all adding up to a more easeful life. Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.