Columnists share their thoughts
Find out what the hot takes of the day are on the nation’s headlines.
I was on duty in the deep state situation room, in the basement of the Comet Ping Pong pizza restaurant, when the news came in.
Alex Jones, the man President Trump has praised for his “amazing” reputation and for “standing up for what’s right,” had done it again: He had broken the news that we in the deep state were responsible for the mass shooting in Las Vegas. It was a clean scoop. He even knew we released O.J. Simpson from prison in Nevada 20 hours before the shooting to draw more media to the area. “The whole thing has the hallmarks of being scripted by deep-state Democrats and their Islamic allies using mental-patient cutouts,” Jones reported.
At this, a cheer went up at Deep State Command. As always, representatives of the various deep-state entities -- intelligence officials; bureaucrats from the Justice Department, Education Department, EPA and NASA; journalists; globalists; Jews; sundry elites; and the Prince of Norway -- w ere on duty. As luck would have it, I was doing my monthly shift that day.
We weren’t cheering about the deaths, mind you. But such American carnage is unavoidable, given the goal of Operation ENDGAME, our plan to euthanize 80 percent of the world’s population so global elites can live forever using advanced technology.
We were cheering because it is gratifying finally to be recognized for our labors. The work we have done in recent years has been exhausting, but we have toiled in obscurity.
We got the Air Force to create tornadoes and directed the FBI to bomb the Boston Marathon. We injected toxins into juice boxes to make children gay so they would not reproduce. We murdered Antonin Scalia, we staged the 9/11 attacks and Sandy Hook shootings, and we installed President Barack Obama as head of al-Qaeda. But we in the deep state never got the recognition we deserved.
Until now. Things are changing, and not just because Trump has put Jones in the mainstream. Fox News’ Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity are reporting regularly on our work, and smaller outlets such as the Daily Caller and Gateway Pundit have joined the pack. Above all, Stephen Bannon’s Breitbart has been indispensable in building our reputation -- so much so that almost half of Americans now know we deep staters exist.
Breitbart’s eyes are everywhere. It reported that anti-Trump protests after the election were financed by deep state member George Soros. It got wind of our plan to steal Trump’s electors. Breitbart editor John Carney was onto us for planting a cover photo in Vogue of Jennifer Lawrence in front of the Statue of Liberty.
Breitbart determined that we deep staters had subjected Trump to “seven times more leaks” than Obama or President George W. Bush faced. It reported on our “de facto coup” against Trump and the existence of our “de facto shadow government.” It discovered the “silent coup” that we undertook with Obama staffers to undermine Trump. It knew we extended top security clearances for Hillary Clinton and her staff months into the Trump presidency.
Breitbart credited us for “getting rid of Michael Flynn” as national security adviser. It chronicled our employment of hackers to attack the computers of our foes, as well as our eavesdropping on Trump himself. It reported the accusation that the U.S. missile strike on Syria was called by the deep state. It uncovered booby traps we set for Trump throughout federal agencies.
Breitbart knew we in the deep state have sabotaged official communications, especially at the EPA, where we have a “particularly notorious fifth column.” It reported about us blocking intelligence officials from working in the Trump White House and punishing those who tried. It broke news of us planting antiTrump “sherpas” in “powerful positions in the administration.”
Breitbart learned that we deep staters illegally communicate with one another by “using encrypted cell phone technology.”
It has the goods on our “deepstate prosecutors” at the Justice Department. It doggedly pursues the “unanswered questions” surrounding our involvement in the murder of Democratic National Committee staffer Seth Rich. It knows James B. Comey is one of us. It knows the deep state forced Trump not to move the U.S. Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. It knows we “push transgender ideology onto schools.” And it reported about the firing of a National Security Council official who accurately argued that the administration is threatened by the deep state.
Breitbart says it hasn’t accused us of assassinations or mass killings. But maybe, after Las Vegas, it will finally report the whole truth: The deep state is everywhere. We control everything.