Lack of discipline
Can you teach disciplined behavior without becoming self-disciplined?
The short answer: Doubtful. Of course, you already knew that.
We all understand the role of discipline in creating a successful journey through life. Yet, many parents struggle with how to teach discipline to their kids. As I’ve worked with parents over the years, it has become clear to me that self discipline is at the heart of our ability to teach our children discipline.
1. Children learn undisciplined behavior from what you model.
An undisciplined parent models undisciplined behavior. By undisciplined behavior, I am referring to a wide range of possibilities. This could include eating habits, exercise habits, working habits, and relationship habits. This could also include a lack of discipline in how I conduct myself, with regard to my emotions and the language that I use. The lack of discipline could be reflected in my inability to maintain a consistent structure or routine in the home.
Or I might model the environment where I repeatedly say I’m going to do things and then I don’t do it. I might model treating the people that I love worse than anyone else on the planet. I might model that being frustrated is an excuse to yell and scream. There are unlimited possibilities here. And whatever I am modeling…that’s what I am teaching! Suffice it to say that the undisciplined parent has infinite opportunities to teach ‘bad’ behavior.
2. Inevitably, undisciplined parental reactions feed unwanted behavior.
The undisciplined parent reacts more often with emotion. That reaction is often in response to something unwanted from the children. The problem is that the reaction gives tremendous attention and energy to the ‘problem moment.’ In doing so, that problem moment is actually reinforced. The problem behavior expands and grows because mom or dad is reacting, and giving their life energy/attention to the problem.
It does take discipline and restraint to stay cool and calm, when things around you are going south. I get that, and I get that it isn’t easy. However, the cost of undisciplined reactions (i.e., anger, yelling, arguing, fighting, etc.) is that these reactions are almost always feeding and strengthening the very behavior we are yelling at!
3. The undisciplined parent threatens, but does not act.
The undisciplined parent will often fail to set limits, and when they do, they often don’t stick to it. These limits change depending upon the day of the week. They are open to negotiation, and get weak under pressure. The undisciplined parent forgets to be consistent with consequences. They often allow children to negotiate their way out of commitments that have been made. The undisciplined parent fails to allow their children to experience the consequences of poor choices.
Why is all this discussion of limit setting and consequences so important? It because life comes with limits, and peace is found when we work smoothly within those limits. If we don’t experience the consequences that come with bad choices as a child, we often grow up thinking that there should be no consequences for our actions, even when those actions are unhealthy, threaten others or simply are just ‘the law.’
A disciplined parent knows the importance of accountability. They know that it is essential to “walk their talk.” If they say that something, they will do it. If a consequence has been set, they will stick to it. They understand that the consequence that comes with a choice, is the most potent teacher to the child. Thus, they usually ensure that children get to feel the consequences of their choices, both positive and negative.
What’s the solution for the undisciplined?
To discover the will power to become more disciplined seems like a monumental task, yet it is not. All you need is a bit of leverage, and then a good parenting plan. By leverage, I mean that you read this article, and take seriously the impact of the undisciplined home. Take seriously the impact of reactive tendencies, and a lack of consistency in setting limits. These habits will harm your child’s future, and they will affect their destiny.
Ponder carefully the trajectory of your home, if undisciplined actions dominate your parenting. Let the future weight bear down upon you a bit, if need be, so you have the motivation to change…the drive to do it better. However, don’t linger there! That is not healthy. But do feel the pain of your choices upon your future!
You must quickly then turn to a vision of you as the better parent…you as the disciplined parent. Let yourself be transported in time to a point where you can visit the new “you” and see what that looks and feels like in your mind’s eye.
Is this enough to turn around your life, if you find yourself lacking discipline? I honestly don’t know, but perhaps it’s a start.
I do know that much of your child’s future depends upon the quality of parenting, and this is profoundly influence by parental discipline. We must be able to discipline ourselves, to respond in healthy, consistent, and loving ways. It is worth the effort to tackle the task of self-discipline. This I promise you is true.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@ gmail.com.