2018: Beyond talking for a better year
Another year has passed, and many of us begin the new year contemplating ways to improve our lives, increase our security, and enhance the happiness we enjoy. In essence, many of us are seeking to improve our lives and/or the lives of others. Depending on how things are going, our interest in “making things better” may vary a bit.
However, year after year, we often see the same rhetoric. Let’s turn away from that, and consider some proven strategies for real change. In the past 15 years, there has been a dramatic shift in the research exploring success, goal attainment and happiness. Interestingly, it might not surprise you to learn that happiness does NOT flow from having more resources, or a bigger bank account. The only exception to this occurs when your fundamental needs are not met, and you can’t feed your children or keep them warm. In other words, if your essential needs are met without significant worry, and you can prepare for the future, then more resources (i.e., money, cars, homes, travel, etc.) do not equal more happiness.
Let’s be clear: It’s not that “wanting more” is bad, it’s that the acquisition of more is usually in pursuit of compensating for a missing sense of something missing, or seeking fulfillment for some internal inadequacy. Almost everyone on this track live in denial of it (of course), and insist they are fulfilled, yet from the outside, the lack of satisfaction is obvious to most.
So, in this article, we’ll discuss some pointers for finding a path to meaningful change and gratification.
1In Your mind, strive to tnvite all that life brings, particularly the uninvited.
While acceptance can often be misinterpreted as living life as a doormat, it’s just not that way. By accepting the uninvited, we simply do not waste the psychological energy on mental and emotional stress ‘fighting’ reality. Reality (being that which has already, inexplicably, unwittingly shown up) is most easily managed with profound acceptance. The teachers and sages have talked of this for centuries, and now the research solidly support that this is the first step to happiness and success.
Resolve to turn away from resisting the unwanted, and practice saying “yes” to it all. Very, very tough, I know. But remember: this is a “yes” to what has already happened. This is not a yes to hopelessness, apathy or inaction. 2 Don’ t waste a moment of
the new year on anything you can’t impact.
With the growth of social media apps and constant connectivity by phone or computer, it is almost effortless to receive constant stimulation from friends, family, promotions, news events, etc. Yes, you say. So what? We are all in that mess together.
Well, not really. You do have a choice.
It’s a choice about how much of your life, your precious life, you are willing to devote to events that you cannot influence or change. The ultimate waste of time (and thus life) is to find yourself reacting and responding to input and events that you cannot change or improve.
It’s also a choice about your level of stress and you level of focus on what is important. The more reactive you are to this input, the more these events end up controlling your life, adding stress and stealing your focus away from those actions that will bring about growth or change.
Resolve to start your year with eliminating all the input, and the responses, that have no tangible impact on your future, the future you care about. Anything that is extraneous to purposedriven action on your part: eliminate. Space, time and energy will inevitably expand, as well.
3 From what is, do commit to what you want, rather than your “don’t wants.”
As we learn more about motivating our brains toward effective action, it’s about giving directionality to our amazing minds. If we simply look toward the new year, and decide we are going to lose weight, the bat- tle is often already lost. Our goal is a “move away from” goal. It seems like we really did something to change our lives, but instead we have strengthened our psychological relationship with what we don’t want in our lives. This usually leads to failure.
It’s tricky, because our brains are easily caught by disturbance and fear. Thus, the natural reflex is to move toward old thought patterns about what we don’t want, don’t like and don’t approve of, in ourselves and others.
Resolve instead: Commit to what you want, and to clarify a vision of what you seek. Then, the real test of this is to write this down, and make sure every word points to where you are going, and has no reference to where you have been. You will know you are serious if you read these every day, until next year this time.
4Turn those commitments into automated daily habits.
Change is difficult. Period. So, if a commitment stands a chance to be strong six months from now, think habits. The reason for 2018 new year’s resolution is because of a bad habit, or at least a less than optimal habit. To overcome this for this new year, you must think about how to automate the commitment into a healthy regular habit.
Here’s the secret: Any routine habit that persists is not something you think about, at least not too much. While very salient, scheduling or planning is not a huge concern, as it is already pre-determined. It’s something that is built into the structure of your day.
For your new daily habits, set up a structure, and then bend your life to honor that structure. If these commitments are important to you, do be serious: bend the rest of life to meet that habit plan. For now, I wish you joy, strength and contentment for the new year. My best to you all. Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.