Annoying social habits

DEAR ANNIE » Over the past six months, a wonderful friendship has been developing with a potential friend who enjoys the cultural and outdoor activities that I do. We are both exchanging viewpoints, backgrounds, likes and dislikes freely. However, I have two problems: When I share my experience about a difficult health situation or maybe a familial situation, she has to top it or go one better with her own personal experiences. I don’t ever feel as if she’s really listening in a compassionate way. And sometimes her response doesn’t even relate to the actual topic at hand. The other difficulty is that she repeats and repeats her own stories. I respond — kindly, I hope — with “Yes, I remember you telling me about that.” How can I bring about changes without hurting feelings or losing the friendship?

— One- Upped

DEAR ONE-UPPED » Though relating to a friend is nice, listening is even better. That’s something your new friend doesn’t seem to understand.

Her serial oneupmanship may be an attempt, however misguided, at impressing and connecting with you. You can try gently raising the subject: “Have you ever noticed that when I tell a story, you seem to have a tendency to tell a similar but more extreme story? I think you’re trying to relate, but sometimes it makes me feel as though what I had to say wasn’t important.” She’s probably annoyed other people with this habit, too, and you’d be doing her a favor by bringing it to her attention so she has the chance to correct the behavior.

But the one-upmanship and repeat storytelling could also be a case of pure self- absorption. In that case, calling the issue to her attention would do little to change it, and you’d have to look for close friendship elsewhere.

DEAR ANNIE » I’m writing in to sound the alarm bells. I just read the letter from “Problems in Pennsylvania” — about her husband’s porn habit, as well as his sudden interest in connecting with friends on Facebook — and it could have been the story of my ex. He had become more and more interested in sexual fantasies and looking at porn online, and when I realized his interest in our marital intimacy had diminished, I discovered long letters and conversations he was having with old girlfriends on Facebook, in which he expressed a desire to hook up again, with some very suggestive language. I subsequently learned that some meetings were taking place, and I moved out. When he begged me to come back, promising he wouldn’t continue, I foolishly did. Not a month later, I learned he was in a new affair, and this resulted in our divorce. I do believe, looking back at other behaviors, that he was a sex addict. Don’t overlook the warning signs.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE » No voice is wiser than that which speaks from direct experience. Thanks for sharing your cautionary tale.

Readers, if you think your spouse may be a sex addict, visit the SAnon International Family Groups website for resources: http:// www. sanon.org.

Her serial one-upmanship maybe an attempt, however misguided, at impressing and connecting with you.