How to end those temper tantrums
It seems that we see more kids throwing temper tantrums than ever before. And so often, when we observe these moments, it is clear that the child is not the real problem.
It is essential to understand that you can eliminate those tantrums, and usually within days not weeks. However, as tantrums evolve over the years, you can have quite extreme behavior. This can include property destruction, violence and exhausting amounts of screaming and crying. When we add all that up, it’s quite scary.
Rather than looking for a way to fix the child, with a diagnosis and some ‘child-focused’ intervention, I suggest you first look at the environment surrounding the child, and how the adults in that en- vironment are handling the tantrums. In the wide majority of cases, you will find that a relatively simple fix is within reach. So in service of that, I have outlined my basic ‘ tantrum fixer’ solution below.
The Tantrum Fixer Solution
While there are some details to manage properly with temper tantrums, in this article, I will cover two fundamentals of my Tantrum Fixer solution. Lesson 1: You Must Learn To Stop Feeding The Tantrum
The tendency is for tantrums to have a clear beginning, middle, and end. As you see the tantrum emerging, notice the compelling tendency to try to stop it, negotiate with it or help your child around this moment. This is how we FEED the tantrum.
We can keep feeding the tantrum in a num- ber of ways. We could be sweet and calm, and try to soothe them over and over. Initially, this works, and then those tantrums predictably get worse.
Or maybe we try to be strong and firm and speak that way to your child during the tantrum. Usually, this degrades to yelling at the tantrum, and ultimately this never works!
The bottom line is this: If you feed a tantrum (with even the least amount of your attention or energy) during any phase of the tantrum cycle, you will see a pattern emerges where the tantrum just seems to get worse and worse. (Initially, this may not be so obvious, but over time, this truth is revealed!)
Over and over again, tantruming children learn that their parents are invested in preventing or fixing their tantrums. In fact, it’s quite predictable that mom and dad will stop whatever they’re doing and come to give their energy and attention to the tantrum --- to make it go away.
It is critical that your child learn that you will not repeatedly and consistently invest in their upset.
I caution you to avoid advice that suggests that there is a healthy way to talk your child through a tantrum. Yes, you can soothe your child (at times) quite effectively, it appears. The problem is that you inevitably end up spending your life doing more and more soothing and calming.
The short-term results are fantastic, but quickly your child learns that want the tantrum to stop MORE than they do. You end up trying everything you can imagine to avoid the tantrum, or to get through it. All this then feeds the tantrums and the upsets, and more tantrums, whining and crying show up next week and even more the weeks fol- lowing.
So stop investing in these upsets, and create some space for Lesson 2. Lesson 2: Self Calming Is Learned, Not Given.
Many of us make the mistake of thinking we can somehow teach our child to calm themselves down, while they are in the middle of an upset. The intention is admirable, but in reality, the strategy is destined to fail.
It becomes important to view self- calming as an acquired skill. Rather than you ‘giving’ your tantrumprone child this skill, we need to think of you as a parent who creates opportunities for learning.
To learn self-soothing or self- calming, we simply must create enough space for the tantrum to go away. Eventually, it always does. It may not be pretty for a while, but it will fade away.
Like magic, your child (if you have not inter- fered) has then had a selfsoothing moment. If we can string a few dozen of these together, we see an easeful self- calming unfolds. The tantrums go away more quickly, and life stabilizes.
Remember: The only way your child will learn to handle their emotions is to let them handle their emotions. It seems so simple and obvious, yet it’s true.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.